Making an As out of Sum and E.
Hey Everybody! It’s November already and we couldn’t be happier. Here in our CoupleDumb, the day after Halloween is officially the start of Christmas Season! Yes, we are those people who put up decorations way too early and have an almost insane collection of Xmas music and ‘vintage’ Costco ornaments. So as we begin our preparation for this exciting time, we turn to reflect on our behavior over the last year. We realize we have been remiss. We have been too busy telling you all about how to have healthy relationships we haven’t told you what not to do. We haven’t given you the Cliff Noted version of the 10 Commandments of Relationship. Well, since we refuse to be considered naughty, by Santa anyways, let’s begin the ‘Don’ts of Relationship’ Week!
Lee says: The theme of the week seems easy enough. What are the behaviors you should avoid in a relationship if you truly want them to work out? To be perfectly clear, we aren’t just discussing a romantic couple. This week we will discuss behaviors and ways of being that are detrimental to any relationship from your spouse to partner to child to parent to friend. The first ‘Don’t’ is:
Don’t assume anything
In The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, he discusses how we should never assume anything. He encourages all to ask questions and clear up any possible misconceptions. The act of assuming is really an act of projection. When we assume something, we are taking our beliefs, judgments, desires and hopes and projecting them on someone else. We like to call this the Carnac Principle.
Do you remember Johnny Carson? Remember when he would play Carnac the Magnificent who would guess the answer to questions and then read the question that had been sealed in an envelope? We think this is a perfect example of what an assumption is. Before the other person says anything, we think we already know what the outcome should be. With people deep into their Carnac, you will hear such comments as:
‘Well, he should know how I feel about this.’
‘She should know better than to ask me that’
‘You know how Mommy/Daddy want things done’
Be honest, spending time in anyone’s head is scary. God knows that the last thing I would want is for Paul to look into my messed up thoughts even for a minute. The Dysaffirmations that run through there even when I’m happy are still frightening. You know what I mean right? (Ha, that’s an assumption). Let’s say you’re at a party and are having a great time. You’re laughing at a joke and suddenly the thought runs through your head ‘Do these people really like me?’ or ‘Do I look fat in this tube top?’
Let’s address this issue like a math problem then. The following are things we can agree to: Given: we do not know what other people are thinking. Given: people have different priorities. Given: thoughts, desires and solutions do not necessarily follow a linear path. Given: as humans we can change our minds. So, given the above statements, we can say that to assume anything is absurd. Mind reading would be the only exception to this rule. However, if you are a mind reader, it’s doubtful your partner or friend is so this rule still applies.
The purpose of all of this is to stay true to yourself. Communicate your needs. Say what you want. Don’t ever allow someone’s assumptions usurp your own dreams. Yeah, I said usurp. Did you assume the only words I knew were fuck and stuff?
Paul says: The answers are –
…and the question was, name two asses you should never do with your partner and one you should only do with your partner.
Ok, so that was weak. What do you expect? Johnny Carson had a staff of joke writers. We just have us. Or so you assume.