Love is an overstuffed sofa.
We just had a weekend where we had nothing to do. Sure we had to do laundry, clean up and handle some writing and website duties but we had nothing to do outside of our home. We had nothing to yank us out of bed before we would naturally get up. Do you understand how incredibly awesome that is? Do you get that weekends like that don’t happen very often in CoupleDumb land? It made for a relaxing weekend spent in loungewear ranging from Lee’s flowing dress to Paul’s shorts that hardly need to be removed to go to the bathroom. Ah, comfy!
Lee says: I remember when we were first married. Paul would leave for work before the sun would come up and then go to school all night. He would come home late and do it all again the next day. Fridays he had no classes and he would be home before me. We would make love, take a nice, long nap and then go out for dinner. It was decadent and delicious. The weekends would be spent in different positions of repose on the bed or couch.
Being carefree was only part of the reason why we could be so relaxed. We mentioned a couple of weeks ago that a myth of love is that it is natural. We argued that love had evolved into this complex, neurotic system. We have evolved from allowing love to develop naturally and settle for the new love:
Love is comfortable.
Love allows you to let it all hang-out, drop the walls, share of yourself intimately. Love is your favorite sweat pants and t-shirt on a Sunday afternoon. It should never be tense or anxious or self-conscious. We have often talked about the need for intimacy for love. We know that creating intimacy involves vulnerability, trust and comfort. The first two have been discussed here and there. Comfort gets a post all to itself!
I can’t imagine walking on egg-shells in a loving relationship. There is no need to hold your tongue in a loving relationship. You don’t need to watch your back in a loving relationship. There is no obsessive thinking about your partner in a loving relationship. All of these dysfunctional behaviors and feelings are based on a lack of comfort with your partner. In a true loving relationship, you can sleep with both eyes closed.
Being comfortable in love also includes lovely things like not freaking out when they walk in to the bathroom if you are indisposed. Being comfortable allows you to have fun. True loving couples are fun! They can behave uninhibited in private and in public. This is not to advocate sex on tables at your local Denny’s but it does show a lot about a couple when you see them interact in public.
There is no wincing when your spouse is speaking in a comfortable relationship. Of course we can still violate boundaries in any relationship but a loving couple does not take things personally or attack in such a manner to trigger issues. A loving couple comfortably floats from public to private easily with no fake smiles or need to hover. Comfort allows you to be yourself without the need to edit or hide. You can be honest and are supported in being vulnerable. Comfort is what makes loving couples more healthy individuals.
So do you get it? If you are tense with your partner, this probably is not the love you are looking for or one you deserve. Me? I’m going to get myself another cup of coffee and lay back on Paul’s chest. Probably take a nap. Maybe we’ll do some research or read a book or share our feelings about all the upcoming changes in our lives. The possibilities are endless and comforting.
Paul says: I’m writing my little piece about 12 hours later than I was supposed to, so that shows you how comfortable I got today.
Now that I’m awake, here is my two cents. Love is like water. It follows the path of least resistance and comfort is always the easier direction for love to flow. See what happens when a physicist writes about love?