Lee’s a bitch. Merry Christmas.
It’s the second Friday of December and we can officially start the Christmas partying. Businesses, clubs and friends are all putting on their festive wear and celebrating not only the wonder of the season but the end of the year as well. Technically, this could be your last day of real work since next week your mind and heart will already be on holiday. CoupleDumb is like everyone else except our Christmas party is just the two of us and fraternizing next to the copy machine is business as usual.
Lee says: This week we have been talking about naughty and nice things and I have been saving this shocker for today. I realize some of you may become upset when you read this and I promise that I am telling you the complete truth. I completely understand if you feel the need to refute this next statement and swear to the stars that it is all lies. However, the truth is that I am naughty. Actually, I have been called provocative, controversial and harsh. These are all nice ways of saying ‘Lee’s a bitch!’
Now I know some women react negatively to that word but I embrace it like spandex does a big butt. I am honest, sometimes tactless, often bawdy, never wimpy and forever ballsy. I do not have a ton of friends since few people can maintain a level of perfection that I demand of all my love ones. They don’t have to be perfect but they do need to be open to coaching to be the best they can be. I have tattoos. I smoke and drink and occasionally swear. Oh, who the fuck am I kidding? I cuss all the time.
I am the person who people look at when shit goes down to set things straight. I am the one expected to correct the wrongs with a laser accurate retort or comment that no one is willing to say. I’m like the Life Cereal kid, ‘Let’s get Lee to tell everybody to fuck off. Hey Lee! Oh my God, she did it!’
However, for six weeks out of the year, I try to be the sweet Holly Hobby girl everyone wishes I would be sometimes. I know Santa Claus is coming to town and I have been told the third or fourth verse of the song includes ‘he sees you when you’re bitchy; he knows when you’re a cunt’. I can never be accused of being a cunt since I have never been malicious. I just sort of lack impulse control and probably have suffered some sort of traumatic brain injury.
To my loved ones, I am mostly loving, affectionate and always helpful. There is absolutely no need to send three ghosts to my house. I am merely fervent about being open and honest. Have you ever read or watched Tennessee Williams ‘A Cat on a Hot Tin Roof’? If not, buy the film with Elizabeth Taylor and Paul Newman who are brilliant and gorgeous in this film. Anyways, I identify with Brick and Big Daddy’s disgust with mendacity. That secrecy that unites some families and drives others away is gross to me and I won’t have it in my life. Simple, right? So watch how nice I am being. I didn’t even have it in me to smackdown a celeb this week! Now this doesn’t mean I will turn a blind eye to stupidity and other atrocious behavior but I won’t go out of my way to smack talk for shits and giggles. The fat guy has to notice that, right?
Paul says: He does not like being called fat. It is not PC. Santa suffers from seasonal thyroid disorder. You can say that he is fluffy. He’s ok with that.