Last Call at the Married Bar

Young love...part 2.

          What are the hot button topics nowadays? Are the papers and news sites filled with talks of the Middle East or Global Warming or Health Care or the AIDS Pandemic in Africa? No. So you have no idea? Have you been living in a cave? It’s simple. Sing with us: ‘Birds do it, bees do it, even world class athletes and MCs do it. Let’s do it. Let’s have an affair!’


          Lee says: Did I miss something? Did someone call last call while I was in the bathroom? I am not a prude and I was not raised in a mountainside cottage where my nearest neighbors were miles away and I would need to yodel to get them to bring Papa some tobacco for his pipe, which he loved to smoke after a long day herding sheep. I’m sorry, I had a weird dream last night that I was a mixture of Maria from the ‘Sound of Music’ and Gretel, Hansel’s sister. I know infidelity is not a new topic and I know that many people engage in it.


          However, the national pastime has been the exposure of philanderers and then the subsequent parading of the ladies who engaged in less than lady like activities with them.


                   I’d a like a little side-bar here just to say as a wife and woman, these females screwing these famous, wealthy assholes are no better than whores. Yes, I am aware they did not make a commitment but they are all too willing to help the guy out when he wants to go astray. Commitment may seem meaningless to these men but it means even less to these bimbos who are dropping to their knees whenever these guys come to town. My first inclination is to slap your Mom’s for not teaching you to respect OPP (you down with OPP?). I have yet to see a Harvard Grad or Alberta Schweitzer who can suck a golf ball through a hose. Come on ladies (and I use that term loosely). Show a little dignity and respect.


           So why all the adultery and is this another sign of the demise of marriage as we know it?


          Truth is, infidelity is common and the rise is merely a serendipitous news cash cow. Letterman, Woods, James. Just the tip of the iceberg. People with money, power and position are more likely to engage in these activities because they can. That may sound callous but the reality, these men do not need to talk up a lady to drop her panties. Their self-entitlement comes from people treating them like they are entitled to on-demand-pussy. He is the ultimate pimp.


          It becomes natural and commonplace to have sex whenever they want and this preoccupation with sex leads to seeking more and more of it. It is the high, like flesh crack. When they were young and poor, they had to work a little harder to get a girl. Now, women seek them out and need no encouragement to perform all sorts of nasty things so they are noticed. Who knows? Maybe if I can contort he’ll give me some money or make me his mistress and set me up or maybe I can get Gloria Allred to represent me while I threaten to release the sex tape or pictures of him wearing the nipple clamps, garter and balloon animal up his ass.


          These stories actually hurt marriages. Let’s face it, marriage does not have a good reputation and these events just solidify the nay-sayers into believing no one can be faithful. I don’t blame them really. Not that I idolize athletes or celebrity but it does make you question both sexes. All I can do is be faithful in my marriage and keep the communication open with my husband. It probably won’t hurt if I can perform tricks. Ping-pong balls?


          Paul says: I like the ping-pong ball trick. Sometimes she has a dozen balls going all at once. It is very impressive. What? Lee’s a table tennis expert. What were you thinking?

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