It’s a Special Oscar Prediction Post
We aren’t movie experts. In fact, we haven’t seen any of the movies nominated in the major categories. We are relationship experts so we will focus our well trained eye and tell you who we predict the winners to be based on their level of dysfunction.
Actor in a Leading Role:
This one is tough. First you have Frank Longella playing Nixon who was paranoid on a good day and a sociopath on a regular day. But Frank is actually a nice guy plus he was quite sexy as Dracula 30 years ago (yes, I do remember. I was young and vulnerable when that movie came out.) Then you have Sean Penn who in our estimation is a great actor but he is also an insufferable asshole. Calling Venezuelan Prez Chavez a great man just shows what a huge fucktard he really is. Pitt and Jenkins are nice guys. So the winner is: Mickey Rourke – that level of fuckedupedness takes talent and surgery.
Actress in a leading Role:
Even though people think its Kate’s year, we think having a banging body and countless mag covers are enough for this year. Meryl is always a favorite but she is way normal and Lee needs her to be humble to do another Momma Mia. We have no clue who Melissa Leo is and Jolie could have phoned it in between births. So the winner is: Anne Hathaway– One of our favorite actresses but you need a certain level of delusion to live with a con man for years and not notice. We salute you!
Actor in a Supporting Role:
There is a whole shitload of dysfunction in this category. We have addicts and rageaholics and all kinds of assholes. Let’s break it down: Brolin got arrested. Hoffman is way too method and we don’t doubt that he molested a few kids and heard confession to get into his role. We think we remember Shannon from a Law and Order SVU which already makes him suspect. And Robert Downey Jr. is…well everyone knows who he is. So the winner is: Heath Ledger– We figure Heath has God, the angels and all of the former members of the academy on his side. Do they still get to vote?
Actress in a Supporting Role:
This category is tough because we have little to say about the nominees. Amy Adams is great. Davis and Henson are phenomenal and make us cry just looking at them. We are big Almodovar fans and Cruz has done great work with him. So the winner is: Marisa Tomei– Our choice is twofold. One she deserved the Oscar for “My Cousin Vinny”. Let the nay-sayers suck it (maybe if she would have had a British accent you wouldn’t have been so pissed with her win). Secondly, Mickey has enough crazy to cover her and then some.
Animated Feature Film:
Now we can weigh in on this one with some intelligence since we have actually seen these. How many times do we have to remind you we have little kids? “Kung Fu Panda” was cute but Paul hates Jack Black so they won’t win. “Bolt” was lame and the lead female character was a little girl who sounded like Brenda Vacarro after a bender. So the winner is: “Wall-E”- The film was depressing but you can’t help love that little thing when it says “ta da!”
The Winner Is: Slumdog Millionaire-It’s an Indian movie and there’s a billion of them. Plus, the food is awesome.
The Winner Is: The Dark Knight- (Lora Hirschberg, Gary Rizzo and Ed Novick). You are probably wondering why we are even predicting this category. Gary Rizzo graduated from Full Sail University where our nephew earned his Master’s last September. So it’s a big deal.
Maybe we’ll catch some of these on cable this year. We wish all of the winners’ congratulations and the losers can cry all the way back to their small meaningless lives.