I’ll choose love for 200, Alex

mama-loveLast week’s post on Thursday regarding relationships like corporations wasn’t very romantic. But let’s face it, society has built up love and couplings to be this biochemical explosion that can only be understood with a periodic table and a Bunsen burner. People talk about “having chemistry” with someone else as if that is the litmus test for all attraction. If they aren’t using scientific terms for pairing up with someone, then it becomes some magical mumbo jumbo of how a person saw fireworks or heard the perfect sonata when “the one” kissed them.

We’re here to say that is all wrong. We are here to tell you that these are some of the reasons the wrong people hook up and the right people break up. Things are all hunky dory in the land of perpetual sunsets when the endorphins are rushing and your pupils are dilated but when someone needs to take out the trash, the shit hits the fan!

Lee says: If you would have asked me what I thought of Paul the night I met him I would have told you he was a nice guy, too skinny and what the hell was he wearing. Paul was a quiet guy back then (oh, for the good old days). He was also in a relationship so off limits. I had no sparks, no music and I no chubby cherub had us in their cross hairs. I noticed him when we started talking. Not just small talk but the kind of conversation you dream about where the person you are conversing with can keep up with your stream of consciousness. I always tell people that, before he laid a finger on me, he had fucked my brain. He was intelligent and witty. He could keep up with me on any topic and for a smart girl that is a big deal (am I right ladies?).  

So here we are 21 years later and I tell you he still has my brain and the rest of me as well. But what about those annoying things or what about when things aren’t the way I like it? This is where I employ the best device I have discovered in all our years together. I usually look at him and say to myself “I’m choosing to love you right now.” I know it’s corny but it works.

People do some stupid shit and sometimes we want them to do things that just don’t hold the importance to them as it does to us. Are they supposed to succumb to all our whims and become someone that they aren’t? In our fucked up magical love universe they should. Paul should have known that leaving dishes in the sink without at least rinsing them was an abomination to me. Paul should have known that I expected him to be as obsessive about personal hygiene as I am. Paul should have figured out by now that clothes don’t magically jump out of the dryer and end up in your drawers.

We didn’t fall in love with them because they would fold clothes or load a dishwasher. It wasn’t the synapses firing or the 1812 Overture. It wasn’t all the chocolate you ate which released all those yummy neurochemicals mixed with someone playing “Feelings” in the background. It was because at some point you looked at that person and said “I want to be with you.” You looked past all of their imperfections and stared into their heart and said “this one is for me.”

When the one you love fails to meet your expectations of how things should be done, take a second and choose to love them. When they don’t read your mind or share how they are feeling, take a minute and choose to love them. When you are washing and folding clothes a few times a week knowing that if you left it up to the apes that you happen to call your family they would all wear the same stinky clothes, you look at them and say “I am choosing to love you!” I wonder how many relationships would have survived if one the partners would have said that?

Paul says: I don’t know what she’s talking about, folks. I’m perfect and she has never needed to make a choice.

Lee responds: I’m choosing to love you right now!

3 comments

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    • dvs

      Lee and Paul,

      Bravo! Brilliantly stated. So simple in theory and yet so difficult in practice.

      I think we all are guilty of losing sight of the unconditional love that is necessary to truly celebrate our individualities as a couple.

      My question is how many times can you say “I choose to love you, right now” without losing sight of one’s true self?

      I ask this because I recently have developed a strong suspicion that the man I’m engaged to has Asperger’s Syndrome. I am in the thick of it, trying to figure out how many times I can “choose to love him” before it begins to eat away at my self-esteem.

      He is a wonderful man and it has been a bit liberating to discover that everything that has been a bit “off” about him from the start, is no fault of his own but equally discouraging the thought of having to ensure surrogate emotional connections, with people that will in essence help me keep my sanity and that can’t and won’t ever come from him.

      I am choosing to love him but at what cost? I think I need help trying to work through this. Do you conduct any group therapies that might shed some light on this matter? I don’t presently have insurance but having suffered from depression for a great part of my life I fear that I cannot afford to try to plow through this one on my own.

      Thoughts or any guidance would be greatly appreciated.

      BTW, not sure if you will remember me, but I was the woman sitting in the front row of your book debut at Books and Books (the one whom you asked “who are you?” as you were signing my copy.

      Thank you for your candid blogs, I cannot begin to express how much I look forward to delving into your unscripted, insightful and just plain RAW thoughts. There aren’t too many people (much less therapists) that are willing to bare all and spread love without fluff or any of the bullshit.

      You’re the bomb! My greatest respect to you BOTH.

      • Hi Devi,
        Yes we remember you. I was wondering who that person was who asked to be my friend on facebook. See I told you I would friend anyone ;).
        OK, first question: How many times do you say “I choosing to love you”? The concept comes from priorities. If we maintain our priorities or boundaries, to use another term, then deciding what to fight and what to let go becomes easier. The ordinary couple makes everything world war 3. SHe doesn’t put the cap on the toothpaste. He doesn’t lift the seat. He makes that weird noise. I hate her hobby.
        However, if you are not being honored for the goddess you are (Jeez, your name is Devi!!!) then that is not whree you choose to love but assert your needs.
        Our daughter has Asperger’s and it can be quite daunting when you are trying to communicate your feelings. What we have found is that you need to be direct and virtually tactless when describing your feelings. The sentiment or body language may not transmit but the language will.
        As for therapy, I participate with Phoenix Center for Healing here in Miami. I don’t see clients at the moment but they do. With your level of insight and motivation, I would give them a call. They use alternative methods such as hypnotherapy, breath work and psychodrama (extremely cool and quicker than regular talk therapy). They will have a Letting Go weekend in January I believe. I can see you there already. In the meantime, I am your friend. You can write and we can talk. Please feel free to contact me anytime.
        And, thanks again for reading. Tell your friends. Tell your enemies.
        Good luck
        Lee

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