I am not worthy.
There was a guy one night on a dark deserted road that got a flat tire and realized he had no jack. In the distance he saw a light and thought to himself, ‘Maybe it’s a house’. He started walking towards the light and as he got closer he realized he was correct and thought, ‘Maybe they have a jack’. As he approached the yard he saw that there were several cars parked in front and thought, ‘One of these cars must have a jack.’ As he walked up the walkway he thought, ‘What if these guys are a bunch of dicks and won’t let me borrow it?’ As he knocked on the door he became angry at the thought. By the time the door opened he was fuming and said ‘Shove your jack up your ass’.
Lee says: Our Dysaffirmations were partly written with this joke in mind. I have told it a million times in therapy. The idea that we make judgments and decisions about situations before they even occur is the most dysfunctional thing that we do. Our expectations become as solid as our realities and we will accept no surprises.
How many of you out there question the sanity of someone who is interested in you? This lack of self esteem is as common as brown eyes. People who deny feeling this way are either lying or have a personality disorder. ‘I will not allow reality to interfere with my self perception’ is a dysaffirmation we all maintain. We have our beliefs about ourselves and God help anyone who contradicts it. If you believe that you are unlovable due to your looks or weight then you will not accept the attention and affection of another. They are blind, stupid and poor judges of character. Who needs them?
Having positive self esteem is important but eliminating our dysaffirmations is paramount to creating a healthy relationship. I can feel that I am a sexy woman with skills that men would definitely enjoy but if I have dysaffirmations regarding men like ‘All men want one thing’ or ‘Men are all abusive’, I will never let a man near me.
This is the crazy, stupid stuff people do. The lies and games people play are such a waste of time. We live in a ‘get them before they get you’ dysaffirmational society. All forms of media perpetuate the myth that relationships are doomed. We create messed up beliefs and then Google for supporting evidence. You want to cheat on your spouse, check the statistics. You want to find rationalizations for not marrying someone other than you’re a chicken shit, look up the history of the institution.
A relationship is an emotional commitment. We need to use our abilities to cognate to make good decisions based on the respect and honor of the partner without forgetting your integrity. Your beliefs about society and how loathsome we are have no place in this commitment and yet we give them center stage. We rationalize or disaffirm our happy reality and find ourselves alone.
In my warped mind, I was always too fat and bitchy to love (ooh, I should write that one down for the next Dysaffirmation book). I was like a bad song. I wasn’t looking for love but it found me. I couldn’t believe an intelligent, witty and loving man like Paul could ever want a woman like me. And yet, here we are. This relationship has been more about dumping dysfunctional ideas than butterflies and rainbows. We work at this every day because occasionally, one of us gives in to the crazy thoughts. Luckily we keep holy water, an old priest and a young priest on standby.
Paul says: I have a lot of dysaffirmational beliefs, probably more than most. Oh wait, that is a dysaffirmation. ‘I will be more screwed up than others so that I can be better at something.’ Crap, I was going to write a paragraph or two on how messed up I am, but now I need to go to my happy place and tell myself that ‘people love me’ over and over again.