Gifts You Should Never Buy A Man


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          Some women have no idea what to get the men in their lives. Some women choose to get their men boring things that men don’t buy for themselves like underwear thinking this is sending their partners the message of “I love you”. Some women go all out and get creative with their gifting like a combination cross-bow and briefcase. I think this time of year should be mistake free and the message of a gift is just as important as the present itself. I have decided to give you a list of gifts that you shouldn’t give your men. That is, if you love them.

          MANGROOMER Do-It-Yourself Electric Back Hair Shaver- Sure, I have seen some men out there who look like they are wearing a hair vest but I’m almost positive the back chia did not grow overnight. What I’m saying is that if you said “I do” or “I will” or “Sure, I’ll fuck you” to some guy, you knew that you were committing yourself to Chewbacca’s cousin. This should not be a surprise to you now. Accept the man who will keep you warm at night without need for a blanket. And, if you must make him manscape, you do it for him because nothing is less sexy than asking your man ‘Hey baby, did you shave your back?’ 

          Custom Bobble Head For Men- What man wouldn’t want a little head? Except, this isn’t the kind they want. This idea of custom sculpting a head to resemble your man is akin to fashioning a voodoo doll. It’s weird and I’m almost certain something bad will happen when you do. Perhaps the doll will come to life because of some curse the sculptor put on it or it will psychically transmit thoughts to your man and tell him to bad things. Whatever it is, don’t get this. Give your man a little head he will appreciate. 

          The Beer Belly: On-Self Beverage Storage- So your man likes the hops? Is this a basis for which to purchase a gift? I can see buying him a home brewing kit because that’s neat! I can even see buying him custom steins with his name and family crest because that is classy. This gift screams, ‘You’re an alcoholic! Drink up!’ Sure, it’s funny and maybe even a little passive aggressive, but if giving sardonic gifts is your style maybe you should invest in some therapy. Better yet, get him a Big Blue Book and call it progress.

          Bushnell BackTrack Point-5 Personal Locator – Are you that paranoid that he isn’t coming back? I’ll be honest, my husband has no sense of direction and this would have been great before the advent of a GPS. But, where the hell does your man venture to every day that he would need to where a personal GPS around his neck?

          Exclusive Avatar movie personalized pictures on canvas from your photos- So your guy really loved Avatar? He often fantasizes about waking up and being a Navi warrior with his own tail and hair extension contraption that makes him part sea anemone? He will only make love to you if you cover yourself in blue paint and file your teeth? Yeah, maybe this gift would bring him over the edge. May we suggest a gift certificate to a psychiatrist?

          There are so many gifts you can give your guy this year to show him you love him. Start by telling him just that. Then, if you are up to it, we would suggest a glass of wine, some candle light and some abandoned monkey loving with lots of noise and stubble free back.

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