Churning Butter This Christmas

Real Relationship Advice

CoupleDumb talks sex on a regular basis. We believe that loving couples can have amazing sex lives regardless of whether they have kids, demanding jobs or even if they have been married a long time. Believe us, we have the trifecta! However, it is so hard to maintain that rah rah mentality when national publications promote and publish articles that contradict everything that is known about good sex, especially when they use a poll to ‘prove’ their data.

Recently, Men’s Health published an article regarding a poll they did with 1200 Women’s Health respondents asking “What are the 5 worst sexual positions” which according to them are: Doggy Style, Woman on Top, Reverse Cowgirl, Missionary and 69. Their experts then explained why women didn’t like them. In some cases, women complained of a lack of intimacy, pain, pre-occupation, physical incompatibility or insecurity. The experts also provided some new positions to help with these issues. Remember, this is a man’s magazine conducting a survey through a woman’s magazine.

Just so that we are clear, we have no issues with the experts of this article but have major issues with the writer of the article. The interpretations of the results of this poll are confounding when based on decades of sex research. For example: Any sex therapist/researcher will tell you that Missionary Position and Woman on Top are the best positions since they allow for pubic alignment and intimacy. Apparently, the only time the Missionary Position is less than satisfying for a woman is if their partner is smaller than average. So we have to wonder, where were these women from and why do their men have such small penises? And, did the researchers take into account whether this was the only position that these couples engaged in? In the case of unimaginative sex then, yes, Missionary would be high on the boring scale if it were a simple ‘move over your night gown, I will enter you now’ type of Amish sex. However, Woman on Top is considered a bad position, according to this article, because it brings up a woman’s body issues. If you are actually having body issues with a man then you probably are having sex with someone you do not trust. Also, if this is the only way you, as a woman, can attain an orgasm, this might be a case of monotony since any sex can be bad if it is perfunctory. Heightened desire + heightened excitement= Excellent Sex!

Then, while researching this article, we stumbled upon the Women’s Health article called Assume the Position that comes with a calculator that studies his size, his stamina and her flexibility and gives you your ideal position. The positions are mostly your typical Doggy Style (which contradicts the other article) and Woman on Top which for this piece is called the Cowgirl (we assume there is a lasso, or lasso twirling movement and the occasional Yeehaw during coitus that makes this western). However, there are a few that pop up that make you wonder what kind of Cirque Du Soliel Fuck Fest you were planning. One such position is the Butter Churner. The picture, as you can see, depicts a man entering is fine lady who is in a Halasana yoga pose (Plow) by sitting on her butt and wrenching his penis into a downward dog position. The movement is not meant to be stabbing but a grind thus the butter churning image. It is supposedly intimate since you can look into each other’s eyes. Really?! We think this position should come with health risks and a disclaimer that you should have a paramedic standing by in case of a broken penis, herniated disc and suffocation from your boobs in your face. Eye contact? Seriously?! If you manage to even get into the right position without hurting yourself then you need to worry about becoming a human whoopee cushion and maintaining that intimate gaze and not laughing to the point you shuttle him off your ass pedestal.

We urge you before jumping into positions that ‘experts’ and magazines say are just amazing, take out some insurance, limber up and be prepared for a good laugh. The only thing that matters in sex is whether you are both enjoying yourselves. Acrobatics are not required to have an orgasm.

So go make each other a bunch of sex coupons for Christmas and have fun. Coming for Christmas beats a sweater every year.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Kwaanza and Happy Chanukkah!

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