Celebrity Smackdown : Reality Wannabees

Young douche, old douche.

          We tend to wake up extra early on Wednesdays. Maybe it’s the smell of fresh brewed coffee wafting over to our side of the villa or perhaps the chef has prepared fresh bread and home churned butter for our breakfast. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s because we get to talk shit about celebrities. Since we make our own coffee and the chef is either one of us, the other two possibilities are not really viable. This week we are dissecting the effects of reality TV on relationships and today we will take a stab at Celebreality shows that show everyone the seedier and more grotesque side of celebrity.


          Lee says: We aren’t really Reality show watchers. I have admitted to watching Celebrity Rehab and its offspring but have an aversion to pseudo reality and celebrities that stretch the limits of what I would consider a celebrity. Perhaps this would be a good opportunity to set up some celebrity ground rules:


          A person is a celebrity if:


           1.  At least more than one group of people know who the hell you are (ie. If you are a wrestler and wrestlers and wrestling fans know you, that isn’t enough).
           2.  You can’t be a celebrity for being a whore (sorry, that would pretty much kill the ‘careers’ of most pseudo-celebs. I mean, if I could have marketed certain things from my sex skill set I would still be getting offers to be on one of these stupid shows.)
           3.  At least one child has been inspired by their skills (ie. As much as I would like to think that my masterful oral skills would have made me a celebrity, this rule would completely take me out of the running. Except, of course, if the child was extremely precocious and his parent’s allowed him to read tabloids.)


          Yeah, I’m pretty tired of watching whores on shows like Flavor of Love and Rock of Love become celebrities. If being a bimbo is all it takes then I feel I wasted myself on things like etiquette and an education. Sure I can fake it. I can pull someone’s weave and call them a bitch but would I have the same wild eyed look of desperation that these skanks have because they have nothing else in life? No, probably not. I can always fall back on my graduate degrees and my ability to use the right fork.


          But what about those people who were somebody and no longer shine as bright as before. I’m talking about people who have actually done something here in the arts whether it was in acting or singing and now are left with crappy residuals and the occasional appearance at an Arby’s Grand Opening. The ‘celebrities’ who participate in things like Big Brother or ‘I’m a Celebrity Get me Out of Here’ or are the one hit wonders, has-been, wannabeens that make us squint hard to recognize them. Then, to add to their already tanked career, they pull the diva trip on TV. Seriously? Weren’t you just bussing tables at Chuck E Cheese?


          Now, I am not saying all Celebrity reality is shit. There are some that have a glimmer of value to them in terms of what they teach us about the human condition. Shows like Celebrity Fit Club which bring out the bloated has been and virtually restart their careers is one of them. Come on, if anyone saw Screech show the world what a douchtastic asshole he was, you know this is good TV. You see he thought he could make a comeback by being the antithesis of what he played on ‘Saved by the Bell’. He thought being a total fucktard and sleaze would ingratiate him with the TV public. He thought that having a sex-tape, starting beefs with some of his co-stars and having a big dick would help him out of foreclosure. No such luck.


          You see for all the salacious shit they put on TV, we, the viewing public, are still the gate-keepers of who becomes famous. Let us all lock the gates tightly and not let these talentless fucks hijack our airwaves. Let’s all pitch in and get a huge trash truck and pick up the likes of Tila Tequila, New York and the cast of Jersey Shore and chuck them into a volcano. Sure that might inflame the fire gods but think of the ratings.

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