Celebrity Smackdown : Love Gurus Like JWoww and Steve Harvey


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          Maybe we are overreacting. Perhaps we are writing this because we are seeking a publisher for our writings. It is possible these books offend our sensibility like someone putting iron filings into our food. We think its gross misrepresentation. We are talking about the ever popular unqualified people writing books on dating and relationships.

          Lee says: There is a saying in Spanish: ‘Que sabe el burro de paste de diente?’. In English? ‘What does a burro know about tooth paste?’ In other words, you don’t know nothing! These books we refer to are just that; advice based upon the great knowledge and wisdom of the ignorant. Two authors come to mind as I write this: Steve Harvey and JWoww.

          Let me start out with the easy one, JWoww.  Ms. JWoww, for those of you who live in a subterranean survivalist camp and still watch beta max tapes of Gilligan’s Island and eating canned food, is a celebrity created from a reality show. Her celebrity is more of an infamy for being a loose drunkard. She purports to be a certain ‘guidette’ but in reality she is not of Italian decent. JWoww is also an author! Fancy that! She recently released a book titled, ‘The Rules According to JWOWW: Shore-Tested Secrets on Landing a Mint Guy, Staying Fresh to Death, and Kicking the Competition to the Curb’.

          First, I was surprised that the book was longer than the title. Secondly, I was surprised she had any rules at all. When you watch Ms. JWoww, you get the feeling that she had some sort of traumatic brain injury specifically in the frontal lobe because she has no visible inhibitions and the only thing that could possibly inhibit her is spelling and math. Her book gives lots of information and steps on how to spot certain types of guys, the signals to give when you want someone or don’t want someone and my favorite, how to get over a breakup in 3 easy steps. My guess is that one of the steps is fucking somebody new and another involves shots.

          There are only 224 pages but 20+ chapters! You do the math. It is probably great bathroom reading but as far as a serious guide to finding a mate, I would think you would seek advice from someone who is not necessarily looking for a guy while having strangers do body shot off her tummy. The book is aimed at women 18-30. In other words, the relationship will be short term and will involve sex and alcohol.

          The second books would be the Steve Harvey collection of relationship gems: ‘Straight Talk: No chaser’ and ‘Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment’. Even the title of the second one offends me! Mr. Harvey is notably a comedian, radio personality and actor. Nowhere in his vast resume do I see psychologist or even pastoral counselor. However, somewhere in his life, some asshole told him, ’Steve, you are a relationship guru! Sure, you’ve been married 3 times and are currently going through a less than adult divorce. Details! What’s really important is that you are a straight shooter and will shoot women back to the middle-ages with your nonsensical advice which is as evolved as you.’

          Harvey’s idea of what a woman needs to do to be in a relationship is akin to know your role and shut your mouth. He refers to men’s search for the cookie (sex and such). In his paradigm, men are pigs and a woman needs to get used to the fact that you will either end up with an idiot or lonely. There is no middle ground. But let’s face it, we know ignorant people have no concept of grey. Harvey’s writing is the ravings of a simple man and by simple I mean statistically within a standard deviation below average. I don’t have a personal grudge against this man but I do take offense with anyone who pollutes our media with crap that sets back the course of love and relationships.

          If all the guys you find are assholes, go somewhere else. I the guys you meet just want to drink and dance, date an older man with a career and not a job. Men are not that simple and woman are not that vapid to be swayed by nice abs and gelled hair (some are but most aren’t).

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