Celebrity Smackdown: Just Crazy
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Oh Smackdown, how I love thee. However, weeks like these that presents me with so many options for the smacking, I become overwhelmed like a fat kid in a candy store (or me with crunchy, savory things). Nonetheless, I must say something, right? I must address those who are begging for a love tap. I am beholden to my readers to lay ‘em down an smack ‘em yak ‘em. As a wise person once said ‘Chump don’t want no help. Chump don’t get no help.’
Randy and Evi Quaid: Can any facility open up some sort of padded honeymoon suite for these two whack-jobs? There is only so many times that a person can get arrested before an intervention must take place. Maybe Dennis can give his brother a call. Perhaps Randy can have Evi carve a phone out of a skull and they can have a nice long chat. Randy, if you have any sense left you will hang up that skull phone and quietly leave the Motel you are staying. You know the one with the special aluminum foil and black paint that double for curtains and blinds. Evi chose that Motel to keep the Vienna Boys Choir from reading her thoughts. Good luck and stick to roles that will show off your naturally psychotic side.
Lindsay Lohan: I have nothing to say. I predicted it, which makes me sad. Tune in for a really long post about this one.
Mel and Oksana exchange emails: ‘I’m a f*&king’ failure’, Mel writes. Oksana responds with ‘Please don’t torcher urself like that, please!!!! U dint do anything to be so hard on urself.’ O.K., this exchange is coming from the couple who takes up 70% of the TMZ news feed on a daily basis. This poorly written response comes from the woman who has hired and fired every attorney and PR firm in L.A. at least once because people are just not willing to go up against a guy who smacks his own dislocated shoulder into place. That son-of-a-bitch is tough! Oksana, instead of riding around town hiring and firing attorneys, take a few spelling lessons or use a spell checker. I also love the explanation that it was written quickly and in abbreviated language ala texting. Sorry honey, but ‘torcher’ is someone who torches and unless Mel planned on committing self-immolation, you used the wrong word. Go ahead, Oksana, look it up. And don’t get me started on dint. What the holy hell is DINT?
Justin Beiber sucking face with some chick in the back of Honda: Well, apparently the Beibs is not following the Jonas Bros lead of purity ring even though it was explained to him that ass-play did not count. I am still not convinced he is male or that he has any talent other than tamed hair. Perhaps a DNA test or maybe even a letter from his gynecologist confirming his gender could convince me of this. I don’t get it even a little. And to the adult women who like the Beibs I seriously am worried about your eyesight, hearing and judgment. If liking the Jonas Bros and Taylor Lautner was creepy, liking this twink is tantamount to pure perversion. I like men, personally and this boy/girl won’t be clear on where he lands on the gender wheel for a while.
There, just a little smacking to tide you over until next week where I will pull on my therapist cap and get medieval on some asses.