Celebrity Smackdown: Hollywood Moms

A lot of crazy in a sexy body.

          It’s back to Smacking Down Celebrities today! It’s Wednesday and usually on hump day, a person needs to vent out all the frustrations that we have accumulated over the past couple of days just to make it to another weekend. This week we are discussing pregnancy and if there is one thing celebrities have been doing like its last call in a fertility bar is getting pregnant and having babies. We are not ‘hating on’ people for having babies but what you do with them is a matter where they will get the stink eye every now and then. We don’t have any illusions that we are the perfect parents. However, some things should be painfully obvious to people even through the dark sunglasses and the flash of paparazzi cameras.


          Lee says: This week is kind of a wash for Paul since not once in our marriage has he volunteered to be pregnant or give birth. Other than that, he is the best Dad. Being pregnant is amazing. I suppose in the old days, celebrities went into hiding and you never saw them while they became swollen or their noses expanded (happily, this never happened to me). In today’s world, people start speculating about a woman’s state if she shows even the slightest pooch. I mean, hello people, you think celebrities don’t have water retention? Or maybe even a little gas or all you can eat Chinese Buffet?


          I think what bothers me the most is the new Hollywood mom who insists on showing us that they are good Moms. ‘Ooh look at me take my baby Mousaka to the store to buy organic apples and to the craft store so we can weave our own hair extensions’. Like the rail thin models out there, the true mother is lost in this new image of motherhood. These bitches who lose their pregnancy weight just a month after giving birth and extol breast feeding as the silver bullet to baby fat. Meanwhile, you know they had a C-section, lipo and tummy tuck all in one and they have fake titties anyway which would make it difficult to breast feed in the first place. But still we gnash our teeth and think, ‘If those vapid bitches can do it, so can I’. But we can’t because we don’t have the nannies or the trainers or the private nutritionist or the chef or the house keepers or the funds to do all that.


          Then we have the adoption craze. O.K., here’s a question that has been asked before but I’m still waiting for the answer: did we run out of babies to adopt in this country?


          And of course, the worst culprit of all of this is Angelina Jolie. Look, between you and me I like her. I think she is beautiful and sexy. Paul is still put off by the whole Billy Bob blood vial thing and kissing her own brother. However, she seems like a different person who cares about children. That being said, I think we need to question the sanity or even the appropriateness of a couple having so many kids that they can’t even seem to juggle them all. For example, how often are the Pitt-Jolie’s seen all together? The scene is usually a minimum of one parent to a maximum of two kids. This formation is rotated within the cast of the Pitt-Jolies. One day you see Brad out with Maddox or Angelina out with Shiloh and Sahara. Or that really cute pic of both adults with the twins, but, that’s it.


          What happened to Pax? I’m just saying isn’t there enough Cheetos and junk food that all of them can eat? Wouldn’t little Pax enjoy getting a set of throwing knives like Maddox received? I think as parents of more than one child, you try to balance stuff with the kids so there is no obvious preference. At different ages, you need to come up with equivalences. Maybe knives for Maddox and a ferret for Pax? Or in our case, Chuck E Cheese for the 2 year old and a case of scotch for the 16 year old?


          I don’t have all the Mommy answers. I do believe there is a biological order to having too many kids. The risk of losing your entire girly section and your ass falling out is a real risk. Look it up. I can’t make that shit up. I just feel as Mom’s we need to support one another and not make the other ones feel bad. I think we can all be honest about the pregnancy make-overs and the post pregnancy weight loss. We can balance out the need to shower our kids with gifts or extra-curricular activities with some good old quality time just goofing off at home. I think we all need to be honest with each other. So ease off bragging about the organic food and the craft projects with your kids and I won’t brag about my two year old doing math.

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