Celebrity Smackdown: Hollywood Love



          Isn’t love grand! Don’t you love seeing people in love? Personally, we find it sickening. Not love but what people demonstrate as love. That clingy, cloying crap you see celebrities do is not what we consider to be true love. Even with their kids it seems that when the cameras are on, they are the best parents in the world. We know when they turn them off, it’s the nanny’s turn to provide that child the structure and nurturing they need. Thank you Hollywood for ruining the image of relationships for the world. If our hands weren’t busy typing, we would smack you down with both of them.


          Lee says: As you know, I like reading the gossip blogs. I find them entertaining and infuriating. It’s kind of like listening to Rush Limbaugh without needing to gag as much. But lately things have been really crazy. Any whisper or semblance of a relationship is exploited, dissected and regurgitated by every outlet of the media. One such story recently caught my eye and made me giggle an evil laugh. I am speaking about the heart wrenching break-up of Joe Jonas and Camille Belle. 


          You are probably thinking, ‘Hey Lee, what the hell are you doing following a Jonas Brother?’ Dear Readers, I do not follow them and if you bludgeoned me with my keyboard and tortured me with Hannah Montana reruns I still couldn’t name one of their songs. I just find their Purity Ring/Teen Bopper career fascinating. You know they’re having their groupies blow them after gigs and making sure it’s done behind a screen so they think it’s really some angel or celestial being doing the deed.


          What caught my eye about them was when Joe broke up with Taylor Swift over the phone. Seriously? Over a cell phone? I thought ‘what a dick’! And then he went on to write a song about how he had a better girlfriend now and he would make poorly veiled jokes about Taylor. So now Camille breaks up with him and he’s crying on stage over her. You read that right. Millions of little girls are videoing this mini douche with their cell phones and sending those images around the world. Ah, the techy justice of it all.


          So Mr. ‘I’m saving myself until marriage’ Joe Jonas is crying buckets over a relationship that probably consisted of a few trips to the ice cream parlor, a thousand text messages and the hopes of some day dry humping. Oh the drama! Yes, I know I’m a heartless bitch but please! Crying on stage! All I have to say to Joe is ‘grow a pair’ and wear some men pants that would accommodate man size parts, not vaginas.


          If it’s not the tearful breakups, it’s the fast rebound hook-ups that Hollywood is so famous for. I swear you need a fucking score card to see who’s with who nowadays. For example, Bradley Cooper. You know that really cute guy from ‘The Hangover’ and the only real eye candy in ‘He’s Just Not that Into You’. He was supposed to be with Jennifer Aniston and then Renee Zellweger and then Denise Richards… I don’t know who he’s on now, literally, but dude, keep it in your pants for a minute. You’re really cute and I know it seems that this can all go away any second but think of your soul. Or at least consider the possibility of V.D..


          I would go on about celebuspawns but I have done that before. I don’t think that kids are fashion accessories or make you seem human. Mine have the exact opposite affect on me. But I would really love to see some healthy displays of love, relationships and coupling in the gossip column for once. And then I want a gazillion dollars strapped on the back of a unicorn!

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