Celebrity Smackdown: Faux Success
Dear God, we have been mostly good all week. We have not spoken ill of anybody, at least not that they heard. We have limited our gossip sharing to only our closest of friends and not the world in general. But God, it’s Wednesday and we have a duty to our readers. We need to do a Celebrity Smackdown because that is what they expect and demand of us. This week we’re talking about success and there are so many undeserving morons that deserve a resounding smackdown that we would be derelict in our duties not to perform our Wednesday ritual. So thanks in advance for the forgiveness. Amen.
Lee says: A couple weeks ago we were on a flight from L.A. to Miami. We took the red-eye hoping that the kids would sleep through the entire 5 hours of crammed discomfort. We were wrong. While we waited to board, I noticed that Megan from VH1’s Charm School was standing in front of me at the counter. When she finished her business, the airline rep, who moments ago was gushing how beautiful the stringy haired fake blond was, tells me ‘That’s the chick from Charm School.’ Me: ‘You mean that fake-titted bimbo is that bitch from the show?’ Her: ‘Yeah!’
Listen, I have spent most of my adult life working like everybody else. It is only recently that I have put my self in a position of recognition but any success that I have garnered has been through my writing. This whore is famous for being a bitch on basic cable and getting her ass kicked by Sharon Osbourne! All I have to say is ‘I can be a bitch!’ It comes easy to me. Not her brand of bitchiness though. She is a malignant tumor kind of bad woman and no one needs that around.
But that’s our definition of success. If you are outrageous enough, you can be successful. Take Tila Tequila for example. In her case, if you are willing to fuck pretty much anything, you get a show! I’m sorry I have some standards and minimum requirements for whom I am willing to fuck. This bitch actually thinks she has some sort of talent or special ability that has created her fame. But in reality, she is famous for being a freak who is willing to prance around in a bikini and make out with anyone. Tila, you are a modern day Siamese Twin or Bearded Lady.
I guess in my naiveté I expected people to earn their success through hard work and paying dues. No, I do not believe entering the Hawaiian Tropics Pageant is paying your dues and I don’t care how many men you blew to win it. I’m sorry, I’m a little old fashioned. Success is something that you earn upright, not on your knees or back (please add any other positions I may be missing). Like douche bags like Jon Gosselin who is fielding endorsement offers. For what? Because he came in a cup and they were stupid enough to bring 6 babies to term? The guy has nothing! Can anybody name what he did prior to becoming a ‘stay at home dad’ (and I say that really loosely since I have great respect for those men but they actually stay with and care for their kids)?
Has our threshold for success become so low that we actually consider these human defects successful? Is this our new in-home side show that we can watch on basic cable any time we want? I think so. This would explain the oddities of Brook Hogan (who looks like a fucking Amazon) and Sanjaya. Now what they all need is some sort of barker to have us come and see them in their massive tent. Perhaps we can have Ryan Seacrest and Jeff Probst mud wrestle for the privilege. O.K., now I’ve gone and sullied myself way to much. God will never forgive me.
Paul says: I have three testicles and a mole that has a tooth in it. What does that get me? Can I get a cable program? I’ll do anything for fame, except maybe have more kids. Nothing is worth that.