Celebrity Smackdown: Everything That Does Not Have Betty White In It
Over the last 100 years, changing has been the dominion of the entertainment industry. Some artists transform and contort themselves into all sorts of characters and display a range of emotion that would impress a bipolar patient with psychotic features. But, does that give them license to be eccentric, petulant and generally disregard the laws and mores of society? This week’s Celebrity Smackdown will be more of a wish list for changes to the entertainment industry.
For an industry that thrives on change, this wish list should make them happy.
1. Remakes are only allowed on films that are more than 40 years old and TV shows that are over 50 years old. And absolutely no remakes are allowed on classics that were superb to start with such as Philadelphia Story with Carey Grant and Stage Door with Katherine Hepburn.
2. In the case of music, sampling and re-recording songs are reserved for those artists who can sing and not as fillers in albums for people who do not write their own material.
3. We must all accept that it has all been done before. No one is original. Being a quick-change artist is not a talent in and of itself. My son is 3 and changes his clothes 20 times a day and it doesn’t make him a genius.
4. Being provocative is not a career move. People should be kicked out of their career if they believe showing their tits is enough to keep them relevant. Let’s face it, all women have titties and most of us actually work at moving up and evolving in our careers. Flashing boobies cheapens the experience and ultimately makes all women one nip-show away from selling out.
5. Being an asshole is not news worthy. This wish would make Sean Penn obsolete.
6. Children do not get to refer to teeny bopper singers in any sexual terms including hot, sexy, smoking and fuckable. In fact, artists whose primary audience is kids under the age of 15 should only be allowed to perform in malls and the occasional fair.
7. Change is scary but in some cases, returning to what is familiar is even scarier. Take the case of comebacks like Whitney Houston and Celeb Reality shows featuring actors and singers of a bygone day. In Whitney’s case, I don’t know whether it is sad that she is trying to sing the old tunes or that a person would pay money to go see her. Her demise was not a slow fading away after being on top. It was a meteoric plunge into the depths of crack pipe and crazy. If she’s clean (and that’s a big if), then bless her. But stop touring because becoming winded from walking across stage is sad. Someone get her a treadmill.
8. Direct to DVD films must be stopped. If it wasn’t good enough for theaters then show it on TV. These are much more prevalent in the world of animation and kid films. Know why? Kids are easy. I mean our son on a daily basis recommends Space Bags and Green Bags and the Big City Slider Station. Why? Because he’s a kid! I remember screaming to my Mom that Ginsu was the shit! Cut a can and tomatoes. I was too young to know that there are few reasons one would need to slice a can with a knife. Live and learn.
I’m sure I’ll think of a million more things when I finish this and watch a little TV. Maybe we should commit to honoring those actors and artists who are talented. For example, only hire Betty White for everything like hosting duties or commercials or infomercials or movies or TV shows….