Celebrity Smackdown : Crazy Wives

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          Wednesdays are for smacking down celebrities but this week we are dedicating it to be the best wives possible. The good news is that there are so many great examples of what not to do as a wife from the land of celebrity that I thought we could possibly get some good use out of their less than perfect behavior. Before you get your panties in a wad I will explain that it takes two to tango and that the responsibility for the failure or success of a marriage rests on both partners. So let us begin with the first wife:

          1. Scarlett Johansson: Why is she on my list? She let her career take priority over her marriage. I know it is difficult to balance the two sometimes. I remember when I would work 80-100 hours a week and I had little left for my husband. However, that does not mean that when you realize you are growing apart you decide, ‘Ah, fuck it! I guess it’s broken,’ and move on. Sadly, their relationship had no foundation and love just ain’t enough. I would also like to add to this a special note: Scarlett, what the fuck were you thinking? You were married to Ryan Reynolds voted most fuckable a million times in a row. And now you are dating Sean Penn who has been voted biggest asshole and inexorable pain in the ass for the last few years. Yeah, I don’t see it.

          2. Any woman who appears on a real housewife or wives reality show: I know this is a broad stroke here but I think I may have a point. These shows glorify conflict. These shows bring out the dysfunctional in all of us. They speak to our base shadows, which feed off the gross energy that they emit. Generally speaking, most women stop fisticuffing when they grow out of elementary school. I swear they must look for women with frontal lobe damage and the impulse control of Charlie Sheen. There is something to be said about decorum. There is something to be said about being able to handle yourself as an adult. This is not to say that conflict does not occur but this type of conflict glorifies this misunderstanding of what respect is. Lack of respect is not permission to pull someone’s hair.

          3. Heather Mills: Why is she on my list? Are you really asking this question? This woman is proof that Sir Paul McCartney really missed Linda McCartney. This bitch has the crazy eyes! You know what I’m talking about. It was only a matter of time before the crazy would come out. Listen up ladies, we all have our crazy side. Whether yours only occurs a few days a month or you keep it caged with meds in the deep recesses of your psyche, we all have it. I am of the opinion that your man needs to see that side before he commits. When he takes you as his wife, he takes all your sides including the one who needs a jacket that hugs her really tight. This being the case, I say Heather omitted that, aside from having a prosthetic leg, she had a prosthetic smile and personality. She is a wacko who did everything she could to try to tarnish the reputation of one of the most beloved artists in history. I say let your freak flag fly with your man but never take it out on him. That’s just mean.

          Sisters, please take these examples to heart. Being married to a good man is a blessing. Try to rein in your shit or better yet, deal with it. These are cautionary tales of wives gone bad. If every night you can close your eyes and rest in peace knowing you avoided these behaviors, then that is a win. That’s right, men’s expectations are that low.

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