Celebrity Smackdown : Crazy For God


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          Celebrities get away with murder, literally and figuratively. We expect celebrities to do all sorts of crazy things because it isn’t enough for them to entertain us on the small and big screens or on our radios and I-pods. We expect them to overdose and cheat and lie and drink and outrage and get nekkid and convert and transform and make comebacks. We want our celebs with a side of whacky. Not too much where they’ll end up in obscurity but just bad enough that when they stop doing their whacky stuff and make a good movie, we start making calls to the Vatican demanding beatification. ‘He stopped smoking smack and hasn’t been arrested in months!’, we proclaim. However, we are a fickle bunch. We definitely get a little weird when the celebrity starts proselytizing. ‘Hey Mr. Movie Star, don’t preach to me about your monkey gods!’

          Lee says: I’m like everyone else. When a person knocks on my door wanting to talk about my after-life, I tend to lose all semblance of courtesy. If they speak English, I speak Spanish and vice versa. One of my favorite stories of my Mother-in-law is when she opened the door to some Jehovah’s Witnesses and turned her back while kicking her door closed before they could mention ‘Watch Tower’. I don’t go to your house and chant my mantra so don’t come to my house and tell me I’m not going to heaven!

          So when a celeb wears a red string around their wrist or talks about the conspiracy behind Vatican II, I tend to get all glassy eyed because I long for the day that Mel got busted for DUI and went on an anti-Semitic rant. That’s entertaining! Mel’s Dad is an anti-Semite, believes that Catholic masses should be said in Latin and that the Pope, who he says is a gay freemason, isn’t really the Pope. He doesn’t believe the Holocaust happened because he said, ‘[Do you know] what it takes to get rid of a dead body? It takes one liter of petrol and 20 minutes. Now, six million?’ Wow! Sounds like a sweetie.

          Look, I have parents. I simply do not turn a blind eye to their silliness. I have told them to keep their crazy shit to themselves or publicly distanced myself from their beliefs. Last thing I need is in a few years to see me on the cover of National Enquirer with a picture of a monkey and how my Dad refuses to believe in evolution. So Mel, do you believe this stuff or do you not have a mind of your own or are Daddy’s twisted genetics the cause behind your own madness. Your Daddy is batshit crazy! I mean, if the world was one massive cover-up, don’t you think someone would have silenced you already?

          But that’s the thing with celebs and religion/spirituality. Remember when we would make fun of Shirley MacLain for being a New Agey weirdo with her past life stuff? She wasn’t out their talking about history being concocted as a sympathy piece starring the Jewish people. Her stuff was nice and hopeful and non-secretive unlike Scientology and Kabbalah. I like how Scientologists are nut-cakes but Kabbalaists are learned and deeply spiritual. No offense to any of these beliefs but give me a fucking break. Any ‘church’ that targets celebs like these are not here to bring us closer to God but closer to bankruptcy.

          Having a Celebrity Center in the center of Hollywood/Beverly Hills is a pretty good indicator that you aren’t dealing with a faith as much as a gimmick. Any ‘religion’ that says they are older than they really are, professing exclusion, cash for peace of mind, secrets, there is no thing as mental illness or homosexuality, denying frailty, promising a karma free soul after 10 easy sessions and the removal of alien spirits through telling of secrets and cool gadgets is not a religion but a fad. This is crazy shit, pure and simple.

          This isn’t a post to offend but it is a call to celebs to keep their freak to themselves. You want to pray to a rock and sacrifice Twinkies to the Cheeseburglar, then cool. Not on TMZ or Perez, please. I don’t want to hear about it. Go fuck someone new or have some rumor started that you may be gay. Just don’t bring God or Xenu or The Cheeseburglar into this. I don’t want to know.

          Paul says: Preach it, Sister. (All donations can be sent to CoupleDumb via our PayPal account.)

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