Celebrity Smackdown : Break Up
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Is anybody else noticing what’s going on in celebrityland? Was there some sort of cosmic last call for the rich and famous that we didn’t hear or a ‘do-si-do and switch partners’? It seems you can’t turn on the TV, check out of the grocery store or check out the news on-line without hearing about another breakup.
Lee says: I know it’s hard. I promise I can get you through this with as little stress as possible. Please use this as a guide to see who is still together or who has moved on to greener pastures or bigger titties.
Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift: Yeah, they broke up. Even though I can hardly see my boyfriend, I mean Jake with Taylor. Taylor is a very nice girl and all, but my Jake is smoking HOT and she is, well, nice. He needs a woman who can tame his hotness. Perhaps, an older woman with some meat on her bones? The reason given for the break up? Jake couldn’t handle the attention they were getting. Jakey, I love you, baby. But, if you have a hard time dealing with paparazzi, don’t date one of the hottest musical acts in the world. There were 5 million pictures taken of you guys buying coffee in some hick town. You would have probably gotten less press if you would have blown one of the Hanson brothers in Time Square.
Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson: Divorcing. The reason given for the break up? Too much time apart. Wow. Seriously? Do people actually think they can maintain a relationship with the occasional weekend or a little naked Skyping? The real reason lies in the obvious. Physics clearly states that two luminous stars, that are so ultra sexy, cannot inhabit the same space. Can you imagine the sheer force of their sexiness when they were united? Or it could be that they never saw each other and invested more time going to Starbucks and the gym than actually being intimate with each other. Sad.
John Mellancamp and Elaine Irwin: Divorcing. Apparently she was some sort of model lady and he was this former cougar guy who now has tall hair and they are very proud of their 20 years together but apparently the warranty is up and it’s time to move on. Good game, everybody. Thanks for coming. The reason given for the break up? None. It was just ‘We are proud of our 20 years and stuff…bye!’ They had two kids who are now teenagers. What about them? Personally I think I would have had a hard time being married to a short guy who dances kind of weird and was formerly a forest creature. Just saying.
Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens: Break up. These two were together since High School Musical and now have supposedly gone their separate ways. He seems so pure and she seems so slutty. Perhaps that was the attraction. I know it worked for my relationship! Anyways, he is so damn cute and he probably should move on and find a girl who doesn’t look like she’s only a bad movie away from pole dancing. The reason given for the break up? None. My guess it was the pole dancing thing.
Mila Kunis and Macauley Kulkin: Break up. These two have been together since 2002. She was still a teenager when they started dating. The reason given for the break up? They grew apart professionally. In other words, he was going nowhere and she is nominated for a Golden Globe. It must be tough staying Home, Alone while your woman goes out and makes amazing films and voice over work on the best animated show (Family Guy). I must be tough for her to come home to your man who has jury-rigged another paint can to swing down and hit you or put all his match-box cars on the floor so you can trip. They broke up because he was eating pop-tarts and watching Maury Povich everyday and she was hustling to make a name for herself. End of story.
I hope this helps. Friday, I will hone my professional eye on the nominees of the Golden Globes. Last year I was batting around 350. Not bad for baseball but huge suckage for awards predictions.