Celebrity Smackdown : Bad Husbands


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          It’s Wednesday and usually Lee does the Celebrity Smackdown but this is husband week and I am the husband. Also, there are so many interesting examples to choose from among the rich and famous that I want to try my hand at smacking down.

          This week I have been giving you my secrets to being a good husband and, by extension, father. Well today I have a special category of husbandly secret that is designed for the celebrity. Keep your kids out of county cars and keep your wife’s police photo off of TMZ. This should be easy, right?

          With all of the hippie shit that I spout, I am really old school in a lot of my beliefs. I think that it is a man’s job to keep his daughter off of the pole, keep his son from slapping around his bitch, and keep his wife out of bed with the pool boy. These are simple aspirations for which every man should strive.

          So when I see Oksana’s whistle-tooth police photo all over the news, I think to myself that they are crazy. This is Mel’s fault because he is all kinds of bat-shit-crazy so the only kind of wife he can have is one that can go toe to toe with him for the world championship of fuck-nut-insanity. The only reason that the Road Warrior can’t see that she got the crazy eyes is because his eyes are spinning so fast in their sockets that the blur gives her a Barbara Bane glow. If ever he got on some meds, he would see that Oksana always looks like she is focusing on a person two feet in front of (and a little to the right of) whatever a sane person would be focused on.

          Mel needs to take a page from Brad Pitt, in my opinion. I am quite certain that Angelina is all kinds of cuckoo but we don’t see her broken face all over the place. They manage their crazy and use it for good instead of evil. They have God’s-butt load of money (Yes, that is a butt load of money that is omnipresent) and they go around collecting children. That’s beautiful. Whenever Angelina starts to get the crazy eyes, Brad waves a little malaria ridden baby at her and, next thing that you know, they are giving it cash, love and nannies. Mel, look to Brad. This is a man who knows how to handle his shit.

          Since I mentioned kids, let’s look at the other half of my secret to being a good husband; keep you kids out of county cars. My children have never been ‘collected’ in the middle of the night. If child services needs to come and get my little ones, it is because I called them. (Sometimes a parent needs a break.) Now I need to cast a smacking down on Charlie ‘Uses the word winner but doesn’t know what it means’ Sheen. Charlie, a good dad, with or without tiger blood, does not have police remove his kids. A good dad does not use movie credits as references for a childcare professional.  The starring role in ‘Nanny McFuck’ does not make her an au pair.  

          These are simple rules to being a good husband. No punching and no ho’s. Easy.

One comment

  • Great, great piece. I especially liked what you said about Brad Pitt, since I’ve always had my suspicion that he works pretty hard to keep things from spinning out of control in that family. Thanks for writing!

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