Madonna and safety in the same sentence without the words ‘dental dam’.

When we discuss our Celebrity Smackdowns at our daily meeting (which consists of us drinking coffee and waiting for Ricky to go watch Mickey Mouse Club House to dance his favorite jam so we can talk in peace for about 24 seconds), we often have difficulty honing in on a celebrity that fits the weeks topic. This week, since our topic was safety, we thought we would discuss the Shamwow guy, Vince Schlomi who beat up a hooker in Miami because she bit his tongue and wouldn’t let go. That one seemed an obvious choice. But was it the right choice?

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Kim’s getting married. Husband: optional.

The vexatious contradiction is the hallmark of a good woman. They can be beguiling and in the same breath cut your heart out. That is the true beauty of a woman. We are the thorny rose! However, sometimes women come around and mess up our flow. Sometimes women do stupid things that make the rest of us beauties look bad. They operate as stereotypes; the most vapid of clichés. This weeks Celebrity Smackdown almost makes me feel dirty even mentioning her. I place her in the category of celebrity but for the life of me I don’t know how or why she is considered to be one. Of course, I am speaking of Kim Kardashian.

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Pope pushes for abstinence (because he’s ugly)

Welcome to the Celebrity Smackdown! This week we are expanding the traditional definition of celebrity. This guy has not made any films that mainstream America would watch or written any books that your avid reader would read unless they were forced to. However, this man is photographed thousands of times a day and has a whole media enterprise at his finger tips. Millions, if not a billion, of people listen to him (kind of) and you had better kiss his ring when you visit him.

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And the Oscar for best public vomiting goes to…

If you haven’t noticed by now, this week we have been talking about addiction. Now this subject is so rich that we could literally write about it everyday for years and not repeat ourselves. One of the best Petri dishes in the in vivo experiment we call life for addictions are celebrities. Apparently, when you mix artistry with sycophants and self-entitlement, you win a one way ticket to rehab. This week’s Celebrity Smackdown is those individuals who take their addictions as part of being in the limelight. The same assholes who cash their fat check, sign autographs and sell memorabilia and insist they are not role models.

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And next year they release the remake of Slumdog Millionaire

This celebrity smackdown will not be focusing on one person but the entire industry. We realize we don’t see many films anymore unless they are animated. We also realize that the capital needed to produce a movie nowadays is the Gross National Product of a medium sized nation and the risk of a film is ameliorated if you bank on a sure thing. But our question is, where is the creativity, innovation and pizzazz of Hollywood? So our smackdown is directed to all you movie moguls who think that redoing Smokey and the Bandit is a good idea.

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Wacky Joaquin (’cause nothing rhymes with douche)

Every week we scan the news and gossip blogs for a celebrity or entertainment icon to smackdown. Usually, by Sunday, we know who we are going after. They tend to be obvious choices. This week, we actually had to think about it. It was only when we reviewed our Oscar Live Commentary that we did on Sunday that someone popped out: no, not Mickey Rourke. For the sake of our sanity, we can’t look at that guy anymore and we need to move on.

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Chris Brown is a punk ass bitch.

In my previous incarnation, I was a psychotherapist who worked with all sorts of populations. I worked with domestic violence for 6 years. Not the victims, the perpetrators. I would sit in a group room with 12-15 guys and talk about how they beat up their significant other. I was professional, compassionate and, when needed, I was a fearless female Chuck Norris. I learned so much during that time and the following is a result of this.

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Sticky and sweet or dry and sour

People who know us are well aware that we have never liked the target of our Celebrity Smackdown. Honestly writing about this bitch is a little too easy; kind of like shooting whores in a barrel. This is the queen of shock and has created a career out of reinvention. If left to her own talent, she would be singing back up in Laughlin for Jessica Simpson. This lady has exchanged talent for nudity and people lap it up. Of course we are talking about Madonna and we will shower after this post.

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Don’t fuck with the mouse – Part 2

If you are gearing up to see the Jonas Brothers movie come out in 3D, stop reading now. We’re just going to upset you. If you own the Hannah Montana wig with concert microphone, walk away from your computer and go play your Best of Both Worlds where you can pretend to spend the day with your idol. If you are my little brother, I’m about to upset you and don’t bother calling Mom cause she’s on my side. This isn’t just a kid thing. Parents are obviously feeding this Disney beast and singing along to those insipid little songs.

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“Don’t Fuck With The Mouse!” as quoted from Harlan Ellison

You’re wondering, “Why would anybody say anything negative about Disney?” If you are thinking this, stop drinking the Kool Aid and pay attention. Once again, don’t get us wrong. We love Disney. We love the movies and the parks. As parents, we have tithed the requisite 20% of our yearly income to all things Disney. But, at some point, we have to acknowledge that they have hijacked our culture. This smack-down is less about celebrity and more about how fame has given them the power to change the social fabric of our country. “Don’t fuck with the mouse?” Heh… Lube up Mickey. Here we go….

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