Don’t Fuck With the Mouse – Part 2

If you are gearing up to see the Jonas Brothers movie come out in 3D, stop reading now. We’re just going to upset you. If you own the Hannah Montana wig with concert microphone, walk away from your computer and go play your Best of Both Worlds where you can pretend to spend the day with your idol. If you are my little brother, I’m about to upset you and don’t bother calling Mom cause she’s on my side. This isn’t just a kid thing. Parents are obviously feeding this Disney beast and singing along to those insipid little songs.

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‘Don’t Fuck With The Mouse’ as Quoted From Harlan Ellison

You’re wondering, “Why would anybody say anything negative about Disney?” If you are thinking this, stop drinking the Kool Aid and pay attention. Once again, don’t get us wrong. We love Disney. We love the movies and the parks. As parents, we have tithed the requisite 20% of our yearly income to all things Disney. But, at some point, we have to acknowledge that they have hijacked our culture. This smack-down is less about celebrity and more about how fame has given them the power to change the social fabric of our country. “Don’t fuck with the mouse?” Heh… Lube up Mickey. Here we go….

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Celebrity Smackdown: Hollywood Love

Isn’t love grand! Don’t you love seeing people in love? Personally, we find it sickening. Not love but what people demonstrate as love. That clingy, cloying crap you see celebrities do is not what we consider to be true love. Even with their kids it seems that when the cameras are on, they are the best parents in the world. We know when they turn them off, it’s the nanny’s turn to provide that child the structure and nurturing they need. Thank you Hollywood for ruining the image of relationships for the world. If our hands weren’t busy typing, we would smack you down with both of them.

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Celebrity Smackdown: Dr. Laura

It’s Celebrity Smackdown day! God we love this day! This is when we allow our judgments to fly and ranting is encouraged. The topic this week is ‘shoulds’ and how they mess up our lives. So, who to smack? We need to be honest. There are just some people out there that we hate. It’s true. There very being pisses us off and anything and everything they say is suspect and heard with the background tune of banjos. One such individual, who has been mentioned on a Celebrity Smackdown before, really makes our teeth itch (this is a Paulism that means annoys or irritates). One thing is being opinionated but shoulding people while sitting in a little booth with earphones on is quite different.

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Celebrity Smackdown: Faux Success

Dear God, we have been mostly good all week. We have not spoken ill of anybody, at least not that they heard. We have limited our gossip sharing to only our closest of friends and not the world in general. But God, it’s Wednesday and we have a duty to our readers. We need to do a Celebrity Smackdown because that is what they expect and demand of us. This week we’re talking about success and there are so many undeserving morons that deserve a resounding smackdown that we would be derelict in our duties not to perform our Wednesday ritual. So thanks in advance for the forgiveness. Amen.

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Celebrity Smackdown: Westboro Baptist Church

As we breathe the universe into our beings we breathe out any resentment or judgment. This is judgment week at CoupleDumb and the horns are blaring with the coming of the four horsemen: carbs, alcohol, fat and cheese. As we discuss the horrors of judging to your immortal soul we run up against a weekly tradition that requires a smidge of judgment. CELEBRITY SMACKDOWN! How doth we smack without judging? Easy, we smacketh those who judgeth unfairly. We will smack those who smack others. Kind of like an eye for an eye except we get to keep both of ours.

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Celebrity Smackdown: BFF for Hire

Yippeee it’s Wednesday! You know if you do something enough times it could become an addiction. You tell yourself, ‘I’ll only do it once.’ But then once becomes twice. Then you stand firm that it will only happen once a week. But you can’t stop thinking about it. You figure, ‘Who will it hurt?’ And you know the answer to that one. The celebrity you choose for the smackdown! So you limit it to the topic of the week which is friendship which makes the smacking even more exciting. It’s the challenge that makes the high even higher!

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Smackdown on the Vicarious Vacation

It’s Wednesday of Travel week and you know what that means? Celebrity Smackdown time! If you look at the newsstands and magazine racks, they are replete with pictures that old disgusting men took hiding behind a bush on some beach far from where you live so that they can get the perfect shot of a actresses cellulite or side boob. The magazines rush to buy these pics, paying premium dollars to print them in Technicolor for all of us to see. Because that’s what we want right? We want to see that celebrities are just like us; lumpy and imperfect. So who gets the smackdown today? We do.

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Celebrity Smackdown: Pretension

It’s Wednesday and we are jonesing. For what? For a smackdown baby! Last week we were in the middle of our look at ‘Chris and Kate’ so we were denied our smackdown. Plus, with all these celebrities dropping like flies, we felt it better to save our vitriolic rants for a week to let the scourge pass in case people started blaming us for the death epidemic. This week we are talking about lightening up and there are sooooooo many Hollywood people who seem to think that their acting can cure cancer or can figure out cold fusion, so our pickings are ripe. But who to smack? Do we really need to choose one?

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Celebrity Smackdown: Jon and Kate minus one.

We are on week two of therapy week. Confusing? Last week for our Celebrity Smackdown we took on Scientology and their patron saint Tom Cruise. So, we are currently writing these from our bunker in an undisclosed location desperately avoiding the wingnuts who are protesting us for talking smack about the Children of Xenu. So our contact with the outside world is limited. We have heard that they are thinking of sending a man to the moon and that Bing Crosby was a hoot on Perry Como’s show the other day. Still, living in the side of this glacier, we still hear about the following people. Have they made a film? No. Is their music played on the radio? No. Are they on any TV show we can watch? Yes. How’d they get a show? They had a litter and now they are on every magazine cover and the top story of every news agency. All we have to say is: WTF?

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