Nov 022011

THE Relationship Blog

kardashian articleInline Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are getting a divorce. What a surprise

Monday was Halloween . This is one of my favorite days, aside it from being my brother’s birthday, I enjoy the fact that it is the one day a year we are expected to be playful, funny and irreverent. Halloween gives us permission to be creative and bold. However, due to some rather disturbing news from the land of celebrity, Halloween was marred by the announcement of Kim Kardashian’s divorce from her husband Kris Humphries. I don’t know about you but my Halloween was ruined.

The blush had not faded yet from the only 72 day old marriage. The ink had not dried from the pre-nuptial agreement. She was still picking rice out of her hair! So, what went wrong? Isn’t it obvious? He just couldn’t deal with her ‘Kimness’! Kris married a woman who long ago traded in her dignity and humanity for a brand and a reality show. Her life unfolded on camera and any real life activity was curtailed until a crew could show up. Kim is an image with an ass and somewhere along the line she decided that getting married was important.

Perhaps the ratings were down. Perhaps she resented the amount of attention that Khloe was getting when she married her husband. Perhaps she could see her sister’s fake lives eclipsing her own fake life. I take that back. I think Khloe is probably overshadowing her because we, as a society, can only take so much fakeness. Khloe is a breath of fresh realism in a completely plastic family.

Here’s what chaps my ass: You meet a guy who is nice and has values. You get him thinking that this is real and forever. You marry him in an extravaganza that airs on TV for over several hours and looks more like a long winded commercial with some bad Spanish novella overlays and close ups. Then you invite photographers to take pics of you on your honeymoon. Then, immediately upon returning home, the rumors start that there is trouble n paradise. Here’s a hint, there was never a paradise and Kim was never invested in this marriage except for the ratings!

In a world where people are fighting everyday for the right to marry, it takes some hairy balls to flaunt your ability to marry only to call it quits 72 days later. It’s this very behavior that has people thinking that marriage does not work. It’s a joke. It’s something to cross off your list so that you can say you’ve done it. ‘Oh no, marriage isn’t for me. It’s not natural.’ Of course it isn’t natural for a narcissist to marry someone and commit to being there for them through thick and thin. What if there is a party to go to or even better, rating sweeps requires some really dramatic arc to bump up the numbers?  The cynicism that it takes to pull this shit off is beyond normal cold feet.

The Kardashian’s, at least some of them, have some propensity towards personality disorders starting with Mama Pimp Kris who even did a show where she considered going back to the Kardashian name because of the brand! She told her husband Bruce Jenner, who in my humble opinion needs a self esteem intervention, that it would be best for her. Then all this blah blah blah drama and then Khloe goes and verbally bitch slaps her Mom back to fake reality. Are you really willing to fuck with your marriage for a little drama for your stupid ‘reality’ show? If that isn’t narcissism I don’t know what is.

Kim Kardashian, you owe Kris Humphries the truth and an apology. Admit to him that you chose him because his name starts with a K. Admit to him that you used him for ratings, some pretty wedding photos and the top story on Halloween over Herman Cains sexual misconduct. Admit to him that forever really meant until you could figure out your next big story. Then you can apologize to everyone for wasting their time with your banality and lack of talent, because let’s face it getting yourself in the news may be a talent to some but it’s still just a step above a drama queen or a perverse Munchausen by Reality Show.

Sep 152011

THE Relationship Blog

enhanced buzz 6233 1316001584 33 300x225 Scarlett Johannson and pictures of her pride

Do you know what you call too much pride? Narcissism! It is good to have a healthy self esteem. It is a good thing to value yourself and to feel you are worthy of good things. It is good to appreciate yourself, mind, body and spirit, as a gift to the world; unique like everyone else. However, there is a line that is being crossed on a daily basis that is disturbing. We have mentioned it before but it bears repeating. STOP TAKING NAKED PICTURES OF YOURSELF!

Currently, the FBI, yes the Federal Bureau of Investigations, is investigating the hacking of a certain cell phone account. Did the cell phone contain top secret documents that would compromise our security? Nope! Did the cell phone contain banking information or interstate criminal enterprises? Nope! The cell phone belonged to Scarlett Johannson and it contained pictures of her boobs. More specifically, the picture was taken by Scarlett of her own titties.

I’m sorry, did I miss something here? When did the FBI investigate stupid? With all due respect to Ms. Johansson, I just do not understand why anyone would take photos of their nakedness and just keep it on their phone!! I get phone sex and I understand keeping the love light burning but using SMS or email to get a rise out of your lover is stupid. What, does the guy have dementia and has a hard time remembering what they look like? Scarlett, trust me, most men have a good idea what your breasts look like; not from memory but sheer imagination.

Now, it has been reported that Mila Kunis’ phone has been hacked and photos of Justin Timberlake have leaked. One of him wearing pink panties on his head, another of him laying in bed and, supposedly a picture of his penis but without a face attached, who knows. Let’s say, for the sake of argument and because I happen to like Justin Timberlake, that it isn’t his peepee pic. The other photos are tame and playful, hardly inappropriate unless you have serious issues with a man putting a girls panties on his head. (By the way, if you have ever had a relationship you know that your bra and panty will invariably end up on his head. Boys think that’s the epitome of humor.) I think it showed good taste and a genuine playfulness that is hardly seen today.

More and more people are turning to Weineresque (Anthony Weiner- the defrocked Congressman) to these pics as a form of perverted pride. This is where the road to self esteem is hijacked by sexual deviation that bypasses intimacy or love for lust and body parts. Sexuality is different and fluid. We go from asexuality to all forms of sexuality. This new object focused sexuality is bordering on fetishism. Granted, men do have tendencies to focus on one body part like breasts or butts, but the virtual rumination on one part of you like your breasts or penis or sucky face when holding up your camera phone so that it kind of looks like you are kissing something or sucking on something, is sick.

Yeah, I said it. All the photos of all those women who make the puckering face are sick. Yes, I usually don’t get that judgmental but it is not sexy, people! Was Zoolander sexy? I think not! So Scarlett, consider this a wakeup call from God or the Universe or your dead grandmother who is appalled that such a pretty girl would do something so stupid. Delete the pics and only date men who have a fairly good memory and preferably without a personality disorder (for example, Sean Penn (seriously?!) was not a good choice).

Apr 132011

THE Relationship Blog

lindsay lohan old 1 205x300 Life Change and Lindsay Lohan

Have you ever noticed how there are only two types of celebrity? The first type, or what we call the implosive type, have a tough time dealing with the attention and tend to turn to substances or serial relationships or breaking the law to deal with all the media. The second type seems, well, for lack of a better term, normal. Why is that? What makes some people freak out and others handle success differently? What makes Chachi normal and Cindy from Brady Bunch an alcoholic?

It’s all about change. The reality is that your body and emotional psyche do not register fame as much as they register lack of balance. The reality is there is no difference in your system from getting married and moving out and becoming a movie star. Both things are major life altering events. Sure, maybe in one, your picture is taken a million times more than the other but the flashing bulbs do not cause you to stress as much as what they mean. With fame comes money and change. With marriage comes life change and issues with money.

I know it’s hard to believe but our emotions register lots of money and no money almost the same. There is anxiety with lots of money. What do I do with it? How do I protect it? Am I doing the right thing for the future? Whereas no money has similar questions like: How do I get it? How am I going to make more of it? How will it be in the future? For those of us who have only really experienced the no money feeling, it is hard to see the other end of the spectrum but it really is there.

Thus we look at the child’s stars and wonder ‘What the hell happened to you?’

You have the indomitable Lindsay Lohan who just can’t seem to keep her head about water. She keeps making the same mistakes. She gets out of rehab and then allegedly steals a necklace and is at risk of spending a year in the pokey! And, after all that, she is seen clubbing in NYC!?! This child/woman gained celebrity in her early teens. She was a Disney darling. Remember the feud between Hillary Duff and Lindsay Lohan? Why did Hillary survive child stardom and Lindsay implode? Easy! Look at the families. Hillary received the support of her family and she took the time to create a brand of clothing. She is now a very successful young adult author, whereas Lindsay seems to have a fame whore family who will stop at nothing to be in the press. In her family, infamy is just as good as being famous.

Our pre-frontal cortex registers change. The pre-frontal cortex is also responsible for impulse control and insight and it is connected to the amygdala, or the fear center of our brain. When the pre-frontal cortex is overwhelmed, the amygdala takes over with fight or flight. So, when you have all this upheaval in your life like getting married or becoming famous, we either develop insights to deal with the changes or our impulse control gets overwhelmed and we either become belligerent or take flight by abusing substances. Easy, no?

So put down the bottle and deal with the changes that are affecting your life. Talk about them. The last thing you want is for the paparazzi to take a million pictures of you drunk on the street with your skirt over your head. Or maybe you do. Good luck with that.

Mar 162011

imagesCA0V05HD Celebrity Smackdown : Bad Husbands

          It’s Wednesday and usually Lee does the Celebrity Smackdown but this is husband week and I am the husband. Also, there are so many interesting examples to choose from among the rich and famous that I want to try my hand at smacking down.

          This week I have been giving you my secrets to being a good husband and, by extension, father. Well today I have a special category of husbandly secret that is designed for the celebrity. Keep your kids out of county cars and keep your wife’s police photo off of TMZ. This should be easy, right?

          With all of the hippie shit that I spout, I am really old school in a lot of my beliefs. I think that it is a man’s job to keep his daughter off of the pole, keep his son from slapping around his bitch, and keep his wife out of bed with the pool boy. These are simple aspirations for which every man should strive.

          So when I see Oksana’s whistle-tooth police photo all over the news, I think to myself that they are crazy. This is Mel’s fault because he is all kinds of bat-shit-crazy so the only kind of wife he can have is one that can go toe to toe with him for the world championship of fuck-nut-insanity. The only reason that the Road Warrior can’t see that she got the crazy eyes is because his eyes are spinning so fast in their sockets that the blur gives her a Barbara Bane glow. If ever he got on some meds, he would see that Oksana always looks like she is focusing on a person two feet in front of (and a little to the right of) whatever a sane person would be focused on.

          Mel needs to take a page from Brad Pitt, in my opinion. I am quite certain that Angelina is all kinds of cuckoo but we don’t see her broken face all over the place. They manage their crazy and use it for good instead of evil. They have God’s-butt load of money (Yes, that is a butt load of money that is omnipresent) and they go around collecting children. That’s beautiful. Whenever Angelina starts to get the crazy eyes, Brad waves a little malaria ridden baby at her and, next thing that you know, they are giving it cash, love and nannies. Mel, look to Brad. This is a man who knows how to handle his shit.

          Since I mentioned kids, let’s look at the other half of my secret to being a good husband; keep you kids out of county cars. My children have never been ‘collected’ in the middle of the night. If child services needs to come and get my little ones, it is because I called them. (Sometimes a parent needs a break.) Now I need to cast a smacking down on Charlie ‘Uses the word winner but doesn’t know what it means’ Sheen. Charlie, a good dad, with or without tiger blood, does not have police remove his kids. A good dad does not use movie credits as references for a childcare professional.  The starring role in ‘Nanny McFuck’ does not make her an au pair.  

          These are simple rules to being a good husband. No punching and no ho’s. Easy.

Mar 092011

crazy bitches Celebrity Smackdown : Crazy Wives

          Wednesdays are for smacking down celebrities but this week we are dedicating it to be the best wives possible. The good news is that there are so many great examples of what not to do as a wife from the land of celebrity that I thought we could possibly get some good use out of their less than perfect behavior. Before you get your panties in a wad I will explain that it takes two to tango and that the responsibility for the failure or success of a marriage rests on both partners. So let us begin with the first wife:

          1. Scarlett Johansson: Why is she on my list? She let her career take priority over her marriage. I know it is difficult to balance the two sometimes. I remember when I would work 80-100 hours a week and I had little left for my husband. However, that does not mean that when you realize you are growing apart you decide, ‘Ah, fuck it! I guess it’s broken,’ and move on. Sadly, their relationship had no foundation and love just ain’t enough. I would also like to add to this a special note: Scarlett, what the fuck were you thinking? You were married to Ryan Reynolds voted most fuckable a million times in a row. And now you are dating Sean Penn who has been voted biggest asshole and inexorable pain in the ass for the last few years. Yeah, I don’t see it.

          2. Any woman who appears on a real housewife or wives reality show: I know this is a broad stroke here but I think I may have a point. These shows glorify conflict. These shows bring out the dysfunctional in all of us. They speak to our base shadows, which feed off the gross energy that they emit. Generally speaking, most women stop fisticuffing when they grow out of elementary school. I swear they must look for women with frontal lobe damage and the impulse control of Charlie Sheen. There is something to be said about decorum. There is something to be said about being able to handle yourself as an adult. This is not to say that conflict does not occur but this type of conflict glorifies this misunderstanding of what respect is. Lack of respect is not permission to pull someone’s hair.

          3. Heather Mills: Why is she on my list? Are you really asking this question? This woman is proof that Sir Paul McCartney really missed Linda McCartney. This bitch has the crazy eyes! You know what I’m talking about. It was only a matter of time before the crazy would come out. Listen up ladies, we all have our crazy side. Whether yours only occurs a few days a month or you keep it caged with meds in the deep recesses of your psyche, we all have it. I am of the opinion that your man needs to see that side before he commits. When he takes you as his wife, he takes all your sides including the one who needs a jacket that hugs her really tight. This being the case, I say Heather omitted that, aside from having a prosthetic leg, she had a prosthetic smile and personality. She is a wacko who did everything she could to try to tarnish the reputation of one of the most beloved artists in history. I say let your freak flag fly with your man but never take it out on him. That’s just mean.

          Sisters, please take these examples to heart. Being married to a good man is a blessing. Try to rein in your shit or better yet, deal with it. These are cautionary tales of wives gone bad. If every night you can close your eyes and rest in peace knowing you avoided these behaviors, then that is a win. That’s right, men’s expectations are that low.