Boring Sex? You’re Doing It Wrong.
How do you start off the week with a bang? Those of you who answered, ‘HAVE SEX’ have come to the right place. We are all about the sexy time this week. Yes, we have devoted a week to sex before on CoupleDumb. Yes, we tend not to like to repeat ourselves but this is sex we are talking about here, not a vaccine. Anyone who has tasted of this forbidden fruit can tell the chaste that sex is like potato chips, once is never enough. But what are the things that make sex not so fun? Why are there so many sexual hang ups in a time where sex is everywhere? Is everybody taking crazy pills?
Lee says: Saying you love sex is like saying you love breathing or chocolate. Of course you do! Anyone who says differently has a problem. I don’t say that like ‘Ooh, look at the weirdo with the sex problem!’ I am saying this as a professional who is concerned with all dysfunction. Sex is not a preference issue. I know there are people out there who don’t like chocolate or ice cream or lobster or caviar. They exist. But unlike a savory or sweet dispute, the biology and experiences of an orgasm are universal. The cerebral cortex goes offline while the limbic system takes over, followed by involuntary muscle contractions and the flooding of endorphins. This is not a bad thing. Actually, this is universally a pleasurable experience. And, if you pair this with someone you love, it can be magical.
So how can sex be boring? Can doing the same thing every time kill it? Can an orgasm be boring or is it that things need to be changed up to keep up your interest? My first reaction to these questions is that, as the mother of 3 and being married for almost 21 years, sex has changed over the last couple of decades. At first it was a marathon; how long and how often can we do it. Then it became the scientific phase where we experimented with toys and ESO (extended sexual orgasm). At this point in my sexual development, sex has become a sport; how quickly can we get down to business without being interrupted by a child or the need to sleep. However, in all these years, it has never been boring.
Boring comes from lack of interest or imagination. Is it the sex that is boring or the partner? Sex is what it is; contractions and neurochemicals. Nothing spectacular. You can be as simple or as acrobatic as you want to be. You can bring in costumes, stay in your civvies or just get nekkid and go for it. The only thing that controls boredom is you, not the activity itself. Boredom is an emotional state where you lose your interest for things and have difficulty finding the motivation to continue an activity. So, as you can see, if you become bored with sex should it really be your partner who needs to switch things up or is it you? You know what I’m going to say, don’t you. Boredom is an internal process and not dependent on extrinsic qualities. In other words, as I say to my kids, things aren’t boring, people are.
Paul says: I think that I would last longer if sex was boring. I have a good imagination so the idea of boring sex is foreign to me. Sorry if this is TMI but Lee is great in bed. Even on those days where she doesn’t have the feathers and Vaseline handy, my rich fantasy life is more than sufficient to keep me from being bored. When the ‘pressure is on’, I try to think of other things; you know, nuns and Margaret Thatcher. Unfortunately, in my mind’s eye, they become sexy nun with fishnets and Maggie with the Tab woman’s body.
I do not mean to be insensitive or shaming but I just do not understand how sex can be boring. Please explain it to me.
Lee responds: He exaggerates. I’m good in bed. Great would involve lots more props and time which I just don’t have. (Note: The whole Vaseline/Feather thing was probably funnier to me than any of you readers since we have three kids and we’re lucky if we get to take off our clothes before they interrupt let alone bring in toys. Read about this tomorrow.)