And the Oscar for best public vomiting goes to…
If you haven’t noticed by now, this week we have been talking about addiction. Now this subject is so rich that we could literally write about it everyday for years and not repeat ourselves. One of the best Petri dishes in the in vivo experiment we call life for addictions are celebrities. Apparently, when you mix artistry with sycophants and self-entitlement, you win a one way ticket to rehab. This week’s Celebrity Smackdown is those individuals who take their addictions as part of being in the limelight. The same assholes who cash their fat check, sign autographs and sell memorabilia and insist they are not role models.
At any given time we have one of these people in rehab. As an addiction professional, the last person I would like to work with is a celebrity. What would be your aftercare plan with these people? Who the hell can they hang out with? In the last year we have seen all sorts of admissions into rehab from sex addicts to alcoholics to drug addicts. At this very moment, there are countless celebs in rehab. It has become the metaphorical eraser to questionable life choices. You have rehabs with revolving doors like Promises in Malibu, California. It has been reported, and categorically denied, that they actually allowed their celebrity clients shopping time less then a week in treatment. I worked rehabs and they weren’t the pretty ones with an on-call masseuse. This was not a place you were happy to be in or would confuse with a hotel. I wonder how many of these celebs are actually addicted or just need a good reality check/ass kicking to take some responsibility for their behavior.
Then you have the real addicts who would smoke their own socks if they could. People like Lindsay Lohan who, on a daily basis, makes me sad we focused on her for the first Celebrity Smackdown. These are the ones that would benefit from a several months in a facility run by people who know how to cut a bitch and don’t care that her life was so tough. Seriously Lindsay, was ‘The Parent Trap’ that mind blowing that you can’t get over it? Yeah I know, you were your own twin and one of you had an accent. Ooh! Another great example is Amy Winehouse who I would spank if I weren’t afraid I would catch some sort of disease from her. When are these people going to understand, addiction isn’t about the substance. You take the coke away and they will obsess about something or someone else.
As I write this, Charles Barkley is doing three days in Arizona’s famous tent city. Why is it famous? It’s a no-nonsense correctional facility, created by Sheriff Arpaio, where the inmates sleep in cots under thick tents and eat for less than .90 cents a day. They wear pink underwear and striped convict jumpers to remind them where they are. How did Barkley end up there? This is the same place DMX is and that guy had a laundry list of felonies including drugs, identity theft and shooting up his house! Mr. Barkley loves telling people, ‘I’m not a role model,’ and yet he boasts about his career and his abilities. If you don’t want people to look up to you, Chuck, be mediocre and don’t call attention to yourself. First, he was driving under the influence at twice the legal limit. Perhaps he would accept role model status for the lengths he will go to for a good blow job? This is how he was arrested; drunk driving to the Queen of Oral. He actually told the arresting officers multiple times as if the officers would have said, ‘Oh, that’s fine. You can endanger lives for a tonsil painting appointment.’
Hey, we’re not prudes and we have been known to have a drink every now and then. I have also been known to drive a little faster if I knew that we would partake in some calisthenics when we got home. For us, it comes down to being responsible. Take care of yourself and don’t endanger others. And for the adoring public, be a little harder on your celebs. Don’t accept a few weeks at a spa as rehabilitation! Let’s see more 90 meetings in 90 days! Hold them accountable! We are paying for our entertainment and the price of admission shouldn’t be watching them get arrested and vomiting on a cops shoes.