50 Things I have learned in 50 years – Day 4

Over the next 50 days, I will be going over the 50 things that I have learned to make my life awesome. I know people are always doing these but so few of them have a PhD and 25+ years of experience working with human beings on what they want and changing the things they don’t like. Here is my list which will culminate on my 50th birthday.

birthday cake 3

I know you are thinking, ‘I want more relationship stuff? That is why I’m here.’ Which brings me to #4.

#4. Communication is key…..understanding your own feelings is more important.

Communication in a relationship is so important. The problem is not in the communication but what is being communicated. I know some couples talk endlessly and never say anything to each other. If you are communicating the superficial stuff and never jumping into the deeper things in life, what is the point? If your communication is not helping your relationship grow and deepen, what’s the point? So, you know her favorite color and who her 5th grade teacher was. What is her biggest fear? Why does she hate getting surprised? What do you need to do if she shuts down?

Understanding how you feel or what makes you tick is vital to living a life of purpose and meaning. If you want to be happy, you need to delve into the icky and trauma and resolve that stuff. It is not enough to choose happiness, it actually needs to be a choice based in truth and not in denial, repression and projection. Most of us have issues and we do everything to make sure we keep them tucked away behind the couch or at the back of the closet that we don’t open. You can’t feel or experience true happiness with this lurking despite all your efforts to pretend it is not there.

If you are unwilling to communicate honestly with yourself, how can you communicate with your love, your partner, your sun and moon? I work with my husband inches away from me all day. We spend the day tippy tapping all day and chatting. He is my buddy. He is my biggest supporter. He knows me like no one else. Communicating everything from funny internet stuff to the occasional thoughts and insights like “why do I feel lazy when I have three jobs?” This sends us into a mini session where we identify who first called him lazy and how that affects him to this day. This is what we mean by communication and it is the key to our success. Still, it all started with each of us working on our own issues so we could be the best people possible for the other. I love that he gives me the best of him and I work to do the same.

Come back for the next 46 days and see what else I have learned.

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