5 Languages Of Love – The Cliff Notes Will Do

Real Relationship Advice

From love languages to common sense

Yesterday we started the conversation about Dr. Gary Chapman’s “The 5 Love Languages”. Not to beat a dead horse but we had issues with Dr. Chapman’s education and how he represents himself. Our lack of respect for Dr. Chapman’s work is not based on the fact that his education did not prepare him to be a relationship expert but more about the lack of understanding that relationships are not all perfect and sometimes there is no hope for some. The idea that everyone can fix their relationship is cruel to many people. Some relationships should have never been. Some relationships were based on fear, anger and settling on Mr. or Mrs. Right Now. Trying to fix those types of relationships is futile and painful.

The 5 Languages of Love are based on Dr. Chapman’s experience of how people communicate love. His idea is that everyone speaks one of the 5 languages fluently. The 5 love languages are the following:  (Taken from http://www.5lovelanguages.com/)

Words of Affirmation: This language uses words to affirm other people.

Acts of Service: For these people, actions speak louder than words.

Receiving Gifts: For some people, what makes them feel most loved is to receive a gift.

Quality Time: This language is all about giving the other person your undivided attention.

Physical Touch: To this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch.

The site has a quiz that you can fill out and it will give you your love language. The questions are paired and you must choose one or the other. Unfortunately, most of the questions are obscenely needy, worded in such a way that the person answering is seeking to be completely fulfilled by their partner and generally dysfunctional. Here are a few questions:

I would like my wife to run errands or put gas in my car

I wish my wife would touch me more.

I wish my wife would sit close to me more often.

I feel loved when my wife tells me, “You look good.”

I would love it if my wife could say, “I’m proud of you.”

When my wife cooks a nice meal for me, I feel very loved.

No matter what we do, I love doing things with my wife.

I wish my wife would say more supportive things to me.

If you have been reading CoupleDumb for a while you know that there are certain things that we believe. First, two halves do not make a whole. You cannot expect to be completed by your spouse. A person with a poor self-esteem will never be whole until they choose to be whole. That person must make the choice to love themselves. Your husband/wife could be the best but until you choose to love yourself, their love will never reach its destination. Secondly, we are not pro-marriage at any cost. We are pro-happiness. If that means divorce, then do it in a healthy manner. If you want to work on it, do it responsibly.

Dr. Chapman’s idea is cute but superficial and based on dysfunctional communication. The easier thing would be to have your partner see you answer the questions and in less than 10 minutes they will know that you want more presents, you want your hand held and tell them you are proud of them every once in a while. Here is an idea, how about you discuss all of this before you walk down the aisle? How about you communicate with your partner like whatever you say is safe to say? Save yourself 10 minutes and just talk to your spouse about what you want and need from them.

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