3 Ways To Stop You From Meddling In Your Own Marriage
Last week we talked about what marriage is and isn’t. One of the topics that come up every time we talk about relationships is boundaries. On a weekly basis, we get emails and comments that mention family and friends who are, in a word, interfering with relationships. Every week, we write people back telling them to ‘stop it’. And yet, we still get them. Is anyone listening?! We will discuss this topic again but this time, we will also provide you with what to say to people in the future.
Today, we will deal with you. Do you have healthy boundaries and are you meddling in your own marriage to the point that you are hurting it?
1. How to deal with yourself if you call your spouse names (no, not pooky or honey.)
Using bad language or calling your partner names is one of the worst boundary violations that can occur in a marriage. Consider the name calling a gate-way drug like alcohol or pot. When you allow you or your spouse to use words like ‘bitch’ and ‘asshole’ during an argument, you weaken the boundaries. Couples continually test boundaries like a child testing their parents. If one word gets in during an argument, the next time they will say them again and perhaps add a few more. Let us be clear, there is NEVER a time to call your spouse a derogatory name. NEVER.
2. How to deal with yourself if you do not filter hurtful things from your spouse
We aren’t perfect. Sometimes we have bad days. As stress increases, our fuses decrease. When our hormones or stressors get to be too much, we may find that the words that want to leap out of our mouths to our spouses are not very nice. This is where we will remind you that ‘A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the heart’. Words hurt especially from the person you love. Our advice? Take a time out. Walk away. Get your head on straight. We actually warn each other. We use words like, ‘Honey, I am having a shitty day.’ When we hear this, we know to give a wide berth. Now, just to be clear, this is not an excuse or a free pass to be an asshole for weeks on end. You are in a shitty mood so get yourself out of it.
3. How to deal with yourself if you have nothing nice to say anymore
If you do not like your partner, leave. If you only want to be mean to your spouse, leave. If you do not find them attractive or their face makes you want to go and buy a piñata put their picture on it and fill it with their favorite things and beat it with a bat, leave. When we choose to do something positive, everyone benefits in the end. It may seem scary or you might think it is something bad and your spouse will wither away and die if you leave them but that is not true. When we are in a toxic situation, we cannot see that leaving it is the best thing to do. We actually create these scenarios justifying your misery and making your spouse miserable. STOP IT. Get out.
So, to recap:
1. NEVER call your spouse names.
2. Take a time out.
3. Get out if you can’t be nice.
Marriages are like clothes. Sometimes you find something that fits perfectly, is timeless and makes you look great. Sometimes people find clothes that they have to jam their ass into and it’s uncomfortable and makes you look like you are smuggling reptiles into the country. It’s OK to give those clothes away and go shopping for new clothes or just have that space in the closet for a while.