Real Relationship Advice
So if marriage is work, by whatever definition, can you have a lazy marriage? Of course, you can! The definition of a marriage falling apart is a lazy marriage. Once again, we reiterate our sentiment from yesterday, work is not defined the same way here on CoupleDumb. We like to think of the ‘work’ we do in marriage as work defined as they do in karma- good deeds to create a positive effect. If you are unwilling to do that, then being lazy is the least of your worries.
If there is anything that will ruin a relationship more than laziness, we have yet to discover it. Laziness has killed more relationships than infidelity. In fact, one can see the laziness in infidelity! There are certain aspects of character that play into being this kind of lazy and they would be:
1. Responsibility: A responsible person does not shirk their duties. When you say “I do” it isn’t to just being there or say that you are married. You are committing to love, honor and cherish this individual. That is a mouthful! You are responsible for loving a human being. You think that is easy, right? You can say ‘I love you’ all day long but in this case, Extreme, was right and people need “More than Words”. You need to show it! The same goes for honoring and cherishing. When we commit adultery we have violated that commitment. We are not honoring our spouse when we are unfaithful.
2. Integrity: Being integrated is the foundation of integrity. If you are integrated then what you say and feel and do are all in alignment. So, if you say “I do” it means you will DO. People get everything mixed up. You figure the doing is working, showing up, having sex once in a while, saying “love you” when saying goodbye. The doing is sharing your feelings. Doing nice things for each other. Sure, flowers are nice but a text in the middle of the day telling him/her that you are thinking of them and miss them go a lot further than flowers that will eventually die. The doing is ‘let me get that for you’. The doing is ‘here, let me rub your neck’. The doing is ‘are you O.K.?’ and actually listening to the response! If you love someone and feel that love for them then you need to do what lovers do to be in integrity.
3. Compassion: Whatever happened to being nice? Somehow being nice in a relationship has gotten this reputation of being a doormat. Couples are taking sides in this game of dominance that has no business in a relationship. Being nice doesn’t mean you are weak and being right doesn’t mean you win the marriage. Being nice to your spouse is the least you can do to show you love them. If we are willing to smile at a stranger, we should be willing to thank our spouse for getting you the Advil in the middle of the night or for making a great dinner. Gratitude is not a sign of submission but a sign that you are aware of work that someone does for you. Being grateful is human.
Some people think that if they say “I DO” then they can HAVE a relationship and then BE happy. We say DO-HAVE-BE is the wrong way of going about it and it sets you up for a lazy marriage. It should be – You can BE in love. You can DO the things that people in love do (like be nice and be responsible). Then you will HAVE a happy marriage. Easy peasy.