Real Relationship Advice
This week is all about the other side of love. What do you do when someone doesn’t love you back? What do you do when you are giving more than you are getting?
This question is brought to us from someone who just isn’t feeling it:
I have been reading your blog for a while and I have a question that is kind of weird since you guys are all about love and marriage. I want to know why I don’t feel like my husband loves me? He says he does but I just don’t feel it. What’s wrong with me?
Thanks for the question. First, let me clear up a misconception: We are not about love and marriage. We are about healthy relationships. Secondly, we are about being happy. Sometimes this means being alone.
So, now, let’s tackle the issue at hand: what’s wrong with you? You say that you don’t feel loved by your husband. You say that he says he loves you but you aren’t “feeling it”. This is not unusual and is very common in relationships. Let’s start with the obvious answer. Your husband loves you and yes, it is you who has the issue. This does not mean you are defective or incapable of feeling love. It simply means you are not allowing yourself to feel it.
Being in love and being loved are two very different things. One is given and the other is received. Many of us have issues with receiving. It is as common as jealousy. This feeling that you are not loved or that you do not feel or trust that love comes from a feeling of being unworthy. Self-worth is an issue that most of us have. We do not trust that we are deserving of love and we do not believe that we are worth our beloved’s affection. The only way to stop feeling like this is by working on yourself.
You have an issue. You are not broken. Somewhere in your past you made a decision that you did not deserve to be loved. Most of us are operating under a set of decisions made by a hurt little girl/boy. Years later, as adults, we believe that these decisions come from a knowing or facts. The truth is that they are based on the rash decisions of a child who misinterpreted the actions of others or decided the anger of our parents or loved ones meant that we were unlovable. For most of us, this is not true. Our parents, despite their short-comings, did the best they could with the limitations they had (and the decisions they made when they were little).
First, I would recommend counseling and you can email us again for a referral in your area. Secondly, I recommend that you speak with your husband. It is hard to live with someone who does not believe or trust them. Be honest. Third, be nice to yourself. Know that you deserve love.
Please keep sending your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.
I know this situation all too well. My brother was with a partner for years who really didn't love herself. He spent years trying to demonstrate his love and give her the self confidence she needed but it never changed and in the end he gave up because he felt only one person could change her attitude and that was her.
I hope this is not the case for the person writing in here. When you have love in your life you must appreciate it. If someone tells you repeatedly they love you then you need to believe it or else it can be beyond frustrating for your partner as they won't know what else they can say or do to make you believe them.