Real Relationship Advice
Regression towards the mean is a statistical term that says that everything will eventually go back to the middle. Think about when you have had an argument with your partner/spouse. What a normal human being tends to do when they feel defensive is dig in their heels. We are taught by society that when someone challenges our beliefs or decisions they are challenging you. We believe that a belief or decision defines who we are and pigeon-holes us into a set 2-dimensional character. The reality is that beliefs are transitory and decisions are lamentable. We are not our beliefs or decisions. When we position ourselves in an argument with our partner/ spouse, we are defying them to not love us the way we are.
As we discussed last week, values are the foundation of a marriage. When we marry someone, agreement on core values is crucial for the success of the relationship. When we argue and take polar opposites on a position, we threaten our core foundations. When we take an extreme position we inadvertently make the argument a Black and White fallacy. This is where two different statements are posed as the only two options or answers. This is essentially the same as thinking a problem is similar to diffusing a bomb, is it the blue wire or the red wire? In this situation we truly believe that the other alternative is sure death. This is what causes those crazy fights of you’re wrong and I’m right. After 20 + years working with couples I can assure you it is never that clear. Given enough time and after surrounding yourself with support that does not consist of “she’s a bitch” or “he’s an asshole”, you will come to see the gray of the matter.
We advise everyone to take a step back when you are arguing to see the other side of the equation. Sometimes this is difficult because you feel threatened but reacting from fear is what creates the polarization in the first place.
This is where we can discuss what is happening in our country right now. We are more polarized than any other time in our country’s history except for the Civil War. That is a very sobering thought. Since we believe in math, we are confident that we will return to the center very soon. Regardless of the outcome of this election, we propose a moment of healing on November 7th, 2012. We propose that as a Nation we all take one moment and pray for the healing of our country from paranoia, bickering and nastiness and for a return to civility, understanding and respect. We pray for the regression to the mean. We pray for working together to heal our economy, land and peoples.
We propose at 12pm (Noon) EST, we all take a minute to state our intentions of healing whether you pray, meditate, chant to God, Brahma, Buddha, Allah, Yahweh, Tara, Mother Earth, Sister Moon or the Universe. As a nation we can move this country forward but only if we work together and rebuke anyone who chooses to continue this pointless fighting. Set your calendars for November 7th at 12pm (Noon) EST for a Minute to Heal.