Real Relationship Advice
Recently, research showed that if a wife who has cold feet before the marriage, specifically about the concept of marriage, they are more likely to divorce. As we have said a million times on CoupleDumb, the media has given marriage a bad rap. It is the butt of a joke, the relationship gallows and this will not change as long as we continue to perpetuate that. We allow the divorced to speak on marriage. We allow the religious zealots to pervert the union by making it a church wedding more special than a justice of the peace. We allow our fears and that of society to take over our marriages so all that is left is a cliché wrapped in a sitcom romp.
The study showed that 19% of brides with cold feet divorced within 4 years whereas that number was halved if the bride did not have pre wedding jitters. Although women are less likely to suffer cold feet than men, it still shows a lack of preparedness before diving into matrimony. The issue here is not whether marriage works but whether people build solid foundations prior to saying, “I do”!
Creating a healthy marriage begins in childhood. What?! Yes, how you are raised to understand marriage is vital to how you will approach marriage as an adult. The research is clear. Children whose parents divorce will either never marry or divorce themselves. Now, of course this is a cautionary tale, not a rule. If the parents explain what happened to the child and still revere marriage than there is more of a chance for the child to create a healthy attitude towards marriage. Nonetheless, the divorce rate and the media interpretation of marriage have done more to skew the marriage attitude curve than anything else.
Marriage is not a fairy tale. Perhaps this fantasy of matrimony has caused the resulting resentment and cynicism towards the institution. People have been duped. There are no singing birds and the reception doesn’t last for 40 years. Some days are great, some redefine awful but most are routine. This wasn’t the package we were sold whether or not you watched the Brady Bunch or I Love Lucy. These shows showed us we could have arguments or crises but everything was resolved within 22 minutes without commercials.
The foundation of marriage begins with the attitude. Everything else rests on the value, feeling and purpose you place on marriage. If you believe that marriage is the institution for a family then you will have a very hard time dealing with infertility or empty nest. If you actually think that marriage is a ‘have to’ because that’s what adults do when they are in love then you should have a lawyer on speed dial. If you understand marriage to be the relationship of two people who build a life together, you have a deeper understanding of marriage. These people understand marriage beyond family, home and adulthood. This is a lifetime commitment.