Sep 052012

Real Relationship Advice

Polamory Married and Dating cap 300x164 Polyamory   Too Much Love?

Too much of anything is usually not good for you but, what about if it is love? What about if you were to be loved by more than just your spouse/ partner? Relationships take many forms and now one of the trendiest forms is polyamory. Polyamory is the lifestyle where you can have several loves and, usually, these loves are all aware of the other. In some cases, polyamorous couples flock together and form unique families. Polyamory is based on the principles that there is enough love, intimacy and sex to go around.  It is considered a mature, consensual relationship among multiple adults. Now, you know how CoupleDumb feels about too many men/women on the field. However, in the case of polyamory you have less of a focus on sex and more on a loving relationship with more than one person.

We don’t want to step on any toes or invalidate the lifestyle of anyone. Polyamory is a lifestyle choice. Unlike homosexuality, polyamory is chosen by people who feel that they can ‘love big’ and they have more than enough to spread around. This is the major contention we have with this. Why? If you feel that you can commit to one persona and love them ‘big’ why not love the hell out of one person?  Why can’t you create one amazing relationship instead of several nice relationships?

We have not as a society mastered the art of relationship so the idea that there are some individuals with ability to masterly love multiple people is kind of hard to believe. One of the arguments that is given against polyamory is the notion that a person in multiple love relationships will spread themselves out too thin. Or, in easier terms, there is a limited amount of love. Polyamorists counter that that argument is one of scarcity and that love is boundless. They often bring up the example of having more than one child. Can you love each child with all your heart or will one of them receive less love because there is a finite amount?

We applaud their arguments and agree that love is limitless. We agree that living in scarcity is a pandemic and we should all work to change that mentality. We will not argue the limit of love but we will argue the definition of what it entails to maintain a relationship. Love is not enough. As evidenced by long distance relationships, one can love another with the same intensity as the sun however that is not enough to maintain a relationship. And we would argue that the idea that love is all you need in a relationship is immature and shows signs that polyamorous relationships are stuck in an adolescent fantasy. A relationship requires friendship, loyalty, fidelity, love and presence. It is very easy to say that you will be there but being present with multiple people is not. This is where you will spread yourself thin. You cannot be there for everyone all the time. That’s just science.

One of the biggest problems with polyamory is the concept of possessiveness. Individuals in the lifestyle become possessive of one of their lovers and this causes the entire system to go into dysfunction. They argue that people are not possessions to be owned and that possessiveness shows immaturity. We would argue that possessiveness is a sign of not feeling safe in the relationship. When we feel that we are losing someone we tend to hold tighter. This does not work in a polyamourous relationship.

We would argue that polyamorous people know the limitations of a polyamourous society. They know that regardless of their philosophy, they do have favorites and form hierarchies. We argue that too many loves make you tired and you can’t be present with all of them when they need it. This is not a sexual critique but merely a comment as to the real meaning of a relationship.

Lee and Paul