Real Relationship Advice
We warned you at the beginning of the week that this was a tough topic and that we were going to be honest and ‘in your face’. Today is no different. There are going to be a lot of people that are not going to like what we have to say. You see, today we are going to tell you that if you are in a sexless marriage then you are probably not in love. We told you that some people would not like this but please keep reading. We are not trying to be mean. We just want to help.
Since you have chosen to keep reading, let’s talk about love. There is such a thing as love and it has been studied and defined. One theory, the Triangular Model of Love, talks about all types of love from lust to platonic friendships. It also defines consummate love, the kind that the ‘perfect couples’ have, as having three components: Intimacy, passion, and commitment. Notice that intimacy and passion are two different components.
We are talking about passion here. We are talking about lust. We are talking about a good solid grope in an inappropriate time. For all of those defenders of sexless marriage, we know that there are reasons that sex, as defined by penetration, might not happen. Maybe the antidepressants are cranked up too high. Maybe he lost his willy after throwing himself on a grenade. Maybe they do not offer conjugal visits at your prison. We get the extreme reasons for not being able to poke.
When we wrote and said not to give up on sex, we really meant not to give up on passion. Don’t give up on lust because lust is part of love. If you do not have lust in your marriage then you have downgraded your love from consummate to compassionate. Now this is nice but it isn’t going to get a movie written about your undying love. This is the love that really good friends have. BFF. In Harry Met Sally, this is the part of the movie where she calls him crying and they talk a lot. Nice but not the true love that we all want at the end of the movie.
If you give up on passion then you are giving up on the happy ending of the movie. You give up on love with a capital L. We don’t know about you but that does not work for us. Generally when people fall out of love, it starts with losing passion then intimacy then commitment. If you are not willing to fight for passion, why fight for intimacy?
If you are in a sexless marriage or if your marriage is moving in that direction then take a stand and fight for your love. This is the part where people are not going to like what we say because mustering passion is scary. Saying the words, “I want you” and “I want to be wanted” is very scary. The thought that those words might not be true is the scariest of all.
Now stop reading and digest this. Go be intimate. Go be committed. Then go boink. CoupleDumb says it’s ok.
This is such great information - I think it's SO easy to lose the passion when you are mired in jobs, house and kids on a day-to-day basis. For me it waxes and wanes. . .but it's something you have to make a conscious effort to hold onto to. . .not quite what they show in the movies =)
@hacscrap It's never like the movies. We tend to forget that real people get scarred when they feel they will be rejected especially when it is someone they care for.