Real Relationship Advice
The prospect of divorce must be daunting. After spending so much energy, time, and emotion in creating a marriage, a divorce is like a kick in the stomach. It is an unraveling of your hard work. It is a harsh grade on your life’s report card. For whatever reason, you and your spouse have decided to call it quits. You have decided that no amount of work, remodeling, emotional healing or forgetting will save your relationship. Some of you come to this conclusion in an adult manner after soul searching and doing everything you can to salvage the love that once was. Some people high tail it when the going gets rough. And there are some of you who are still struggling with the untimely conclusion of something you thought would last forever.
Whatever your situation, a healthy divorce is possible. We must remember that whether you like it or not, you will always be in relationship with your ex. If you have decided to divorce, why does their need to be animosity? Do you really need to act like a 2 year old in a sandbox? Here are the next two steps to making this divorce healthy:
2. If there is a possibility of contention, get a mediator.
Mediation is one of the smartest things created by the legal system. A mediator plays Solomon and really asks the question, ‘Are you willing to cut your baby in half?’ This is needed to put things in perspective when you are charged with anger and the anger of those around you. Staying grounded and negotiating like an adult makes divorce more palatable than a scary war.
3. Decide and commit to creating a new relationship with your ex.
You will always be in relationship. Try as you might to have them removed from the world and all memories scrubbed from the collective unconscious, you can’t. They are a permanent part of your history. They had a hand on making you, you. Sure, you probably should see a therapist and work out all the icky parts of your relationship but ultimately, those lessons create the ‘you’ you are today. You made decisions, beliefs and goals based on your relationship and those are partly because of or despite of who they were to you.
This relationship can begin to be created through the mediation process. Mediation only works when the participants are honest and respectful. With that foundation, any relationship can flourish. We are not advocating that you reunite with your ex but we do strongly believe in having a life free from enemies and journey stopping karma. Clear the decks, the air and forgive. You don’t need the baggage.
Tomorrow we will tackle divorce and child custody issues.