Jun 252012
 

Real Relationship Advice

divorce 219x300 5 ways To Have a Healthy Divorce, Number 1

A new study came out showing that there is a marked rise in divorce rates. The Baby Boomers are getting divorced. Do we need to glue people together to keep them married? So that we are very clear, CoupleDumb is not pro-marriage; we are pro happy and healthy marriages. A divorce is a necessary evil when you find yourself in a relationship that does not work for you and is slowly eroding your esteem and soul. So, we invite all people in the midst of divorce to entertain the possibility of a healthy divorce.

Yes, it is possible to have a healthy divorce. We just don’t see them very often because most people are continuing to play out the dysfunction of their marriage in their divorce. You need to ask yourself, why? Why are you arguing, fighting, positioning and committed to destroying your former spouse? For the next few days we will detail the 5 ways To Have a Healthy Divorce!

1. Whose drama are you playing out?

As soon as someone waves the divorce flags, lines are drawn and sides are taken. Divorce has become more contentious in our society than war in the Middle East. Our anger pours out over the splitting couple for all the crap we assume happened and the hurt our friend or family member is feeling. Meanwhile, you, the one going through the trauma, are left to seethe.

Divorce has become a fight instead of a split and moving on. Divorce lawyers do not want you to be amicable. It does not serve them for your divorce to be amicable. A lawyer does not care about your future relationship with your soon to be ex. A divorce lawyer is there to get you what you want. If there is property, they want you to have the property. If there are kids, they want you to have the kids. Unfortunately, equitable distribution is namby-pamby language used when a couple is acting like adults. Divorce lawyers say things like, ‘sole custody’,’ child support’ and ‘alimony’.

The negotiation style of a divorce lawyer looks the same every time. Ask for everything. Trash the opponent. Then, negotiate. In other words, striking fast and hard during a divorce will yield the most equitable results in the end. However, who heals the wounds caused by the divorce when the wounds of the marriage are still open?

Every divorce is started with injured parties. It hurts when something is over, the least of which is the cause of divorce. Whether it was infidelity, lack of communication, money, growing apart or abuse, the loss and grief over the failed marriage leaves the individual in emotional pain. If we listen to our lawyers, we must be ruthless. If we listen to our friends and family, they recommend the same. However, how does that serve you? Where is the integrity in painting your ex as an alcoholic or abuser or whatever will make you more sympathetic while trashing them?

Divorce does not need to be ugly. We recommend divorce with integrity. Divorces like your kids are listening to everything you say. Divorce as if you are running for office. Be proud of how you behave and allow yourself to grieve the loss of the marriage without vilifying your ex. It takes two to make it work and it takes two to tear it apart. Take responsibility for your part. No more blaming. Remember the good times but only to remind you that at one point you loved your ex. There is no need to be abusive in divorce so discuss the terms and hire one lawyer to help with the paper-work. It will save you money, time and heart ache.

Lee and Paul