Real Relationship Advice
Female Sexual Response is as unique as snowflakes and as predictable as the exact landfall of a hurricane. Each woman comes with a myriad of issues, hang-ups, traumas, abuses, neglects and a truck load of complexes. Our understanding of sex and how it pertains to our own bodies is subject to years of misinformation, shame, confusion and outright denying that sexuality has anything to do you. And yet, with all the problems that can make our sex lives miserable, 70% of women report being able to have an orgasm. Because of the majority of women being able to reach climax, scientists have been able to understand the course of an orgasm as it pertains to women.
The Female Sexual Response looks something like this (There are several models however most converge on this basic premise with some being linear while others are circular):
The Phases breakdown like this:
The Excitement Phase: The things you need to know about the Excitement Phase is that it can last from minutes to hours. This phase is characterized by muscle tension, vaginal lubrication, heart and breath rates increase, nipples become erect and swelling of the clitoris and labia. Most women would identify this period as what happens during foreplay. The wonderful part of this phase is that most of it can take place without removing your clothes! Foreplay is wonderful but the majority of the arousal, in the case of those couples who lead busy lives or are wrangling children, can take place without direct genital interaction.
The Plateau Phase: The important part of this phase is that it is the intensification of the excitement phase and is when intercourse begins. Most people have a limited understanding of how things work. We have a working knowledge of what we should do while having sex but few can go beyond what they learned in Sex Ed in High School (which basically focused on not getting pregnant) and pornography which insists on 15 to 20 minutes of foreplay and multiple positions that just give better camera angles but do little to enhance the orgasm.
Please Note: Lubrication is essential to be able to reach orgasm. As we get older and have kids, we just don’t get wet like we used to. Therefore, we recommend a lubricant that provides sufficient viscosity so that it does not breakdown during intercourse but water soluble so that it washes off easier. We recommend Astroglide because it can be used for masturbating your partner but it does not have a flavor that would prohibit switching up to oral stimulation.
The Orgasm Phase: What we need to know about this phase is that this is where the climax happens. For many women, the Orgasm phase takes forever to show up if at all. The problem most women face if they are able to get excited and plateau is that their brains get involved. A female orgasm requires the complete disconnection of thought other than the goal of orgasm. The physical manifestation of an orgasm is characterized with muscle spasms and contractions, the vagina and uterus begin to contract rhythmically and there is a sexual tension release.
This would be a great time to discuss sexual vocalization. Some women are and some women aren’t loud in bed. Some use the vocalization to hurry up their partner and as a theatrical way to signal an orgasm or are faking one to just be done. (PLEASE NOTE: IF YOU FAKE IT, YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS COMPLAINING ABOUT SEX. YOU CREATED THE MONSTER AND YOU HAVE BIGGER ISSUES THAN HAVING AN ORGASM.) The reality is that honest vocalization can help your sex life. Telling your partner what feels good and giving them direction will only benefit your orgasm. Also, a sexual release involves involuntary sounds. If you are ‘keeping yourself quiet’, you are thinking too much and not allowing yourself the release. So, CoupleDumb says ‘BE LOUD!’
The Resolution Phase: This phases the normalization phase. Your breathing, heart rate and body temperature return to normal. This phase is marked by a feeling of bliss and the need to cuddle. Orgasms release a hormone called Oxytocin which is causes that sleepy, cuddly feeling after sex. For women, the Resolution phase can return to the Plateau and orgasm phase with little effort depending on the orgasm. This is why Multiple Orgasms are a possibility for women. Unlike men, women can have sex again without the need of rest.
Read this. Study this. Give it to your partners. The more we learn about our bodies and emotions the more likely it is we will begin to live the life we want. Learning to climax regularly will go a long way for your self esteem and general sense of well being.
What did you learn from Sex Ed in High School that you still remember today?