Real Relationship Advice
In the world of a parent, we all need to know how to juggle. We juggle the kids, their routines and schedules, our work, our home, our meals, our lives and not to mention our interaction with our extended families and friends. Being a parent requires multi-tasking on the order of a covert operative diffusing a bomb while being shot. Maybe not as dangerous but the consequences of dropping the ball could be bad for your family. If you do not experience this level of stress while parenting, you have a secret for which you will be paid handsomely. For the rest of us, we trudge on and wait for the days where things calm down.
With all of this going on, how is the tired parent supposed to enjoy sex? If we understand that sexual arousal takes 10 minutes for both men and women, then another however long to achieve orgasm for both partners, we could be talking about 15 minutes to one hour of sex for mutual satisfaction. In our everyday life, who has time to spend 1 hour on sex? If you are a tired parent getting in bed at 11 pm knowing that you have the possibility of 7 hours of sleep before wrangling kids, home, kitchen, work and life, who would choose to have sex?
Thanks to Kinsey and Masters and Johnson we know a bit about the human sexual response. Because of their diligent work with surveys and physical testing we understand that the more aroused a subject is the easier the orgasm is achieved. This puts all the pressure of the act onto foreplay. Penetration is wonderful but once again, not to beleaguer the baking metaphor, if the oven is not hot enough, things just take longer to cook. This is why CoupleDumb proposes that foreplay be all the time.
Family Therapy has a theory called Structural Family Therapy by Salvadore Minuchin. This theory postulates that a family has a certain hierarchal structure that, if maintained, creates a healthier family. As therapists, one of the things we do is to map out a family when we see them. A ‘normal’ family would look like this:
The hierarchy shows that the most important relationship is that of the original partnership, the couple. The next line belongs to that of the Father and Mother. Under that authority, are the siblings. Each person is divided from the other with open lines (dashes) which symbolizes healthy boundaries that are permeable and not rigid.
What usually happens in a family when we get into the roles of the tired parents is that once upon a time there was a couple who was hot for each other. Children have a way of keeping us focused on them and the immense responsibility of parenting can make the most well adjusted person stressed. Being a parent comes with this underlying fear that we will fail. It isn’t unfounded. We have all seen the semblance of a great family torn apart by a child with issues. So, sometimes, we tend to forget about being a woman or a man and just focus on being Mom and Dad.
If there is anything that will affect your sex life with your husband/wife it is remembering them as sexual beings. When you are together, treat one another as a couple and not co-parents. Parenting has a way of having us forget the excitement of being together. The exhaustion and mounting responsibilities overwhelm us. By maintaining the husband and wife relationship separate from your roles as parents, you automatically create a boundary that will allow you to be sexy with one another.
Psychological Foreplay can fix a dysfunctional family hierarchy and reset it to a more healthy structure. Psychological Foreplay, if done correctly, makes the recipient feel confident, attractive and sexy. When we feel good as a Man or a Woman, we automatically become better parents. And when we are feeling good about ourselves, our sexual response is heightened. Ultimately, being desired is the most powerful aphrodisiac.