Real Relationship Advice
I remember having a conversation with a woman who had a couple of kids and, as it is wont to do, the topic of sex came up. She mentioned how much she loved quickies. I was appalled. I told her that I wanted the whole package: a candle lit bedroom, sexy jazz playing in the background, the massage oils used for the full body massage that leads into mind-blowing foreplay only to culminate in passionate love-making which finishes with an earth shattering orgasm followed by exhausted sleep while spooning. She thought I was stupid.
I get her now. Who has time for that? Even when I said it, we both worked full-time. Paul was also going to school which brought him home at 11pm most nights. When we weren’t working or going to school, we slept. In my fantasies I could see taking all night but reality was very different.
Achieving orgasm regularly and easily takes a woman a while to learn. Unlike men, who figure their sexual response early on, women are slow learners when it comes to how to reach orgasm.
The following techniques for women are based on the physiological and psychological response to sexual stimuli (desire, excitement, plateau, orgasm, resolution, orgasm):
Set the goal – Set the intention that you will be having an orgasm (or 3) that night.
Schedule sex – When you know you will be having sex, you can prepare yourself mentally and physically for the activity. This means you can be completely ready for intercourse before the door is even locked.
Stop thinking and start fantasizing – A woman’s sexual response is primarily hard-wired into her brain and not her sexual organs. A woman needs to concentrate less on technique and more on what they are thinking. This is where fantasy takes over. The fantasy needs to be complete, explicit and engaging. This fantasy needs to be more important than figuring out what to make for dinner.
Masturbation – This is one of the reasons men understand their response better than women. They masturbate regularly/excessively when they are adolescents. This is why they know where they are within the stimulation cycle, when to hold back to delay their climax and can generally control their orgasm. Women need to learn that masturbation is not just some crude way to seek release but an important part of a woman understanding and taking control of her sexual response. Masturbation is an activity that both of you should engage in to understand what makes you orgasm and how certain strokes/touches work better than others.
Multiple orgasm – A woman’s sexual response is very different than a man’s. He experiences a refractory period where he cannot be stimulated. After some rest, he can engage in sexual activity again. Whereas a woman, after an orgasm, is still receptive to more stimulation and the possibility of another orgasm increases! Because of this, it makes sense that a woman should always have an orgasm before her partner. This ensures at least one and possibly more orgasms. Engaging in masturbation or oral sex to orgasm prior to intercourse will have you beginning intercourse stimulated and within the resolution phase which allows a woman to reach orgasm quickly.
Sexual positions – As we mentioned yesterday, women require pressure on the clitoris or direct contact to have an orgasm. The missionary position allows for intimacy and direct pressure on the clitoris while many women find that they can control their orgasm easily by being on top. Spooning allows for comfort and for the man to explore your erogenous zones while penetrating. This position makes it much easier for masturbation while having intercourse. And, as always, ladies come first.
Each couple will find their rhythm. The most important part is to make sure you are both committed to having a fulfilling sex life. Just think, if you put as much effort into your own orgasm as you do in keeping a schedule, how happy could you be?
Much thanks to the Regional Train Lady for the inspiration to write about this. Good luck!