Real Relationship Advice
When someone uses the word ‘relationship’ we automatically assume there is another person involved. Relationships are simply connections. One of the most ignored and abused relationships people maintain is their relationship with themselves. How do you feel about you? How do you treat yourself? Are you too easy or too hard? The following are the 5 ways we screw up the most important relationship we have:
1. I am always right: When you have a Mom or a Dad that insists they are always right, we learn that being right is more important than anything else on earth. We learn that being correct is almost the same as being good. When we place this burden on our psyche, we are also telling ourselves that being right is the only way we will be loved, accepted by anyone including ourselves. Being right is not more than important than being loved. Being right all the time means you will be alone with a dictator.
2. I am always wrong: When you are raised to believe that you are always wrong, you pave the way to be a victim. Being wrong all the time makes you even question your existence. When you operate from this belief you are doomed to failure and make decisions that will ultimately end up with you being hurt thus proving you are always wrong. Self fulfilling prophecies, self punishment and self loathing are the hallmarks of this way of being.
3. Not enough: When you feel you do not deserve anything, you live a life of ‘I am not enough’. People may call this a lack of confidence but in reality it is so much more than that. Feeling undeserving motivates one to sabotage anything and everything they do to avoid success of any kind. Many of these feelings stem from family of origin issues where there was a lack of praise and a reminder that they expected more. This is the kind of insidious abuse parents do daily that is not noticed by DCF but will affect everything in your life until you deal with it.
4. Perfection or nothing: Being the best is something many of us strive for. However, we confuse the best for being perfect. Perfection is not the same as doing your best. We often say that the only perfect thing is God but we still see mutations in nature and species that cannot survive. Does that mean that God is imperfect? No, it means that imperfection is a good thing. It means that doing your best is all you can do and that imperfections are just part of the process. No one needs to have the pressure of perfection when not even God demands it of Himself.
5. It’s all about me: Guess what? No it isn’t! When we decide the world revolves around us, we are in for a barrage of insults. When someone says or does something that interferes with your life or insults your sensibilities, whether they intended to directly hurt you or not, it is still not about you. Many people walk around with a huge red button on their back waiting to react. Even if someone comes up to you and pushes the button deliberately, it has more to do with the fact that they weren’t breast fed or told ‘I love you’ enough as a child than you. You are unique like the rest of us and I am sure you are a great person but a person’s need to hurt someone has ultimately nothing to do with you. You need to get in line behind 20+ years of parenting, the little boy/girl who broke their heart in 1st grade and that mean second grade teacher who called them chubby (No Mrs. Torado, I will never forget it!).
Love yourself. Be nice to yourself. Treat yourself the way you wish someone would treat you. In the end, this is the longest relationship you will ever have. Wouldn’t you want it to be a good one?