Apr 022012
 

Real Relationship Advice

marriage 300x300 Top 5 Things We Do To Mess Up Relationships

CoupleDumb was founded on a certain premise; people do some really stupid things to mess up their relationships. We don’t know better. We have the examples of our parents and their parents who fought openly or were stoic and cold. We had the example of the media with families that exemplified perfection and those whose dysfunction made even serial killers wince.  Even after 3 years of writing CoupleDumb, we still see flagrant examples of dumb stuff you do to screw up relationships. Here are our top 5:

1. Assuming: Sure, we know when you Assume you make an ass out of you and me but do you really think that applies to a marriage forged and sanctified by angels? Sure it does! If you think your partner is upset, ask. If you think your partner does not understand what you said, ask. If you did not understand what your partner said, ask. If you want something, ask directly. Sure, it’s nice when your partner anticipates your needs but you will be sorely disappointed when they miss your next whim.

2. It’s a couple, not a gang: Many people make the mistake of letting other people into their relationship. Whether it’s letting Mom give her two cents on what kind of guy/girl you married or bringing in another sex partner or letting your friends talk smack about your partner, it is incredibly unhealthy. You are a couple. If you are weak enough to require that other’s tell you how you feel about someone, then you should not be married. Marriage is for independent people who can make up their own minds. All others need not apply.

3. Talking too little: Sometimes we get upset. Sometimes our feelings are hurt. Even in the most loving relationships this happens. If we do not speak up, our partners can and will repeat the offense. Silence is usually taken as acquiescence. CoupleDumb goes by the motto: ‘If we don’t teach em’ they won’t learn nuthin’.  Teaching them is the same as creating a boundary. Try not to accuse them but speak from power.  ‘When you _________, I felt __________.’ Request that they not do that again.

4. Talking too much: Sometimes we get too comfortable in a relationship and we think that our partners understand to take what we say and filter it through this ‘they love me’ funnel which filters out all the icky things. Sometimes we talk way too much without thinking. Sure, our stream of consciousness ramblings are interesting but they can also hurt. Sandbagging is too common in relationships. We often think that editing our communication is the same as keeping secrets. It isn’t. We think many things and if everyone knew what really went on in your mind you would be alone. Use the same discretion with your lover.

5. Too much, Too little, Too soon: CoupleDumb has many rules to a good relationship. One rule that is set in stone is ‘No make-up sex.’ We are taught that sex heals all wounds but it doesn’t. It can make things a lot worse. Sometimes we cover up a lack of intimacy by having too much sex. Sometimes we sacrifice sex because we are upset with one another and use it to punish the other. And, sometimes we engage in sex to make us feel better but it does not solve anything. The problem remains. Fucking is not a magic bullet. Sex is a fun activity; not a chore, panacea or anti viral med that will knock out any problems from your relationship.

We hope this helps look out for some of the common pitfalls in relationships. Are there any other stupid things we do to mess up relationships that we missed?

Lee and Paul

2 comments
AndreaUpdyke
AndreaUpdyke

Wow these are all great! Thanks for spelling it out so clearly. 

piscesvirgo
piscesvirgo

I was guilty of letting other people run my marriage when we were newlyweds. Nearly destroyed us. It's sometimes the most obvious that people over see, thanks for sharing these.