Real Relationship Advice
Managing your anger is like wrangling gnats or toddlers, very difficult and you probably should regroup and try something different. Anger is something you express not corral as if it were some demented bronco. When we try to stifle the feeling, we find that it grows and becomes….unmanageable. When we try to manage the feeling, which usually means to allow it to leak out like air in a popped raft, it becomes frustrated and ultimately sublimates to passive aggressiveness and a feeling of helplessness.
Expressing your anger does not mean you are allowed to unleash your wrath on any unwitting victim. Expressing involves healthy communication. Within the parameters of healthy communication you take responsibility for your feelings, words and actions. Therefore, saying things such as ‘you make me angry’ are not allowed. The following is a list of how to express/release your anger in a healthy manner.
1. Scream in a pillow:
Emotion has energy. The energy of each emotion is released differently. Sadness comes out in tears. Grief will involve tears and some wailing. Anger comes out in screams. So, get a pillow, take a deep breath and scream. Scream in that pillow until you get tired. The result of this is allowing that excess energy stored within the emotion of anger to leave your body. This will allow you to think clearer regarding the focus of your anger.
2. Hit a pillow:
The energy surrounding anger gets trapped within your muscles. Many people describe anger as a stiffening of the neck or an ache in the muscles. Anger releases adrenaline. As we mentioned on Monday, fight or flight is the normal reaction to feeling threatened but what do we do with that ‘fight’ feeling in a society that tells us that fighting is wrong. We maintain that energy within our muscles in potentia. By beating up a pillow, we release that energy and exhaust those muscles.
3. Express your anger:
Using that lovely therapy speak, ‘when you do _________, I feel ______________,’ you take responsibility for your feelings while still pointing out to the object of your anger that what they did did not settle well with you. This is an opportunity to create new boundaries.
When we exert our bodies we release endorphins to create a feeling of euphoria so we completely ignore the fact that we are tearing down tissue to build muscle. These endorphins make us feel better and have us think clearer. Exercise decreases the feeling that pent up energy anger usually gives us.
5. Don’t take things personally:
If nothing is a personal attack then it is difficult to elicit anger. Internalizing external stimuli is when we become the victim of our environment. Don’t get caught up in the crazy.
6. Avoid the drama:
You don’t have to get angry if you avoid situations that elicit anger. Scrape off drama queens, victims, chaotic systems and generally negative people. Sure, you may feel very alone after that but trust us, ultimately, you will be much happier and hardly ever needing to deal with anger.
We know what you’re thinking, CoupleDumb hates pillows! Not true. We have done our fair share of pillow screaming and have been known to beat down on a pillow a few times, too. The best way to manage the unmanageable is to not get into that position in the first place. Avoiding anger is not the same as avoiding conflict. Anger is bred in the arena of victimhood. If we avoid the victims, then we can avoid the anger.