Momma’s boy or the rebel?
Yesterday, the post included some information that was in poor taste. The guilty party has been threatened, beaten and is in time out. It is never acceptable for CoupleDumb to cross the line in any way and we promise to never go there again. As a couple, we must keep each other honest and hold each other to our highest possibilities. With this in mind you will understand why Lee had to turn Paul into his Mom for saying what he did.
Families can make or break a couple. The support of your family will make a man look even more desirable or undesirable depending on your need to rebel from your family. The pressure from a family who does not approve of your mate choice is another obstacle to happily ever after. Regardless of your relationship with your family of origin, their interaction and input into your marriage or commitment will affect its very foundation.
Many people would argue with this point because they feel that they have differentiated from their families to the point that they no longer are affected by any opinion regarding their lives. I say BULLSHIT to that! This topic makes me bust out the therapy words because they are the most fitting. Differentiation is a word used in Family Systems therapy and it means the level to which a person has set themselves apart from their family of origin (parents, siblings).
We all know people with poor differentiation. We use words like ‘Mama’s Boy’ or ‘Daddy’s Girl’ as jokes or descriptions of their handicap. These words indicate that these people are hung up on a parent which shows poor differentiation. When these people enter a relationship, the reaction of said parent is paramount to the success of the coupling. But this works the reverse as well. If you have someone who never sees their parents and won’t even talk to them, they will have more difficulty maintaining a relationship because they have no faith in commitment or they will choose someone diametrically opposed to them as a rebellion to their family. These people think that their choice amounts to a big fuck you to their families when the only person they hurt is themselves.
‘I won’t marry anyone like my _____ (fill in the blank with Mom or Dad)’ is almost a death sentence. The energy you place on that will most definitely attract you to someone like them or you will spend all your time looking for the defects that you will miss the opportunity of a real connection. And at the end of the day, your relationship is all about the parent you can’t stand.
We have discussed the importance of setting boundaries but this topic takes on such a deeper meaning when we involve family. No one likes it when someone talks smack about their family and neither does your partner. But even if the family isn’t physically interfering, their opinions and essences are still in that bedroom with the two of you. ‘My parents always watched TV in bed before going to sleep’ or ‘My parents would let us kids sleep with them’ or ‘We always hung out in my parents room’ are things couples say to each other. This is what that person grew up with and what they know about relationship. We learn all this stuff from our parents. That’s right; our dysfunctional parents.
I’m not saying everybody’s parents are bad or messed up but I will say that trying to recreate our parent’s marriage in our own is gross. I would like to believe that every generation has the opportunity to evolve into a healthier relationship. Unfortunately, the way things are going, I don’t think we will see healthy relationships for another millennia. Thanks Mom and Dad!